Once the incident was over I was lying in bed crying as hard as I could my father had left the room as if nothing had happened, how I longed for my mom’s comforting arms at this time, she was always so good at comforting me especially after I would get punished for disobeying by my father, she would come into my room hug me and rub the areas hit by the belt while talking to me she would stay there with me until I eventually fell asleep, and at this moment I wished that she were here but she wasn’t so I got out of bed, ran water in the tub so that I could wash the filth off my body by this time I’m in shock, numb, and angry but I kept those feelings to myself including the next morning when it was time to go to school. I went to school pretending as if nothing had happened after all my dad just did the same thing and he seemed to have not been bothered so neither did I seem bothered, I was too ashamed of the treatment I would receive if I told anyone about my molestation so I pushed it into the back of my mind the best way I could without showing any signs of the abuse throughout all of high school. My father continued to molest me nightly for a year until one day he finally stopped, by this time I’m completely NUMB ON THE INSIDE, I felt empty, dirty, stinky, all the words you would use to describe trash but somehow I’m floating on a cloud looking down at me living my life as if everything is peachy keen, I got involved in sports and the drill team thinking it would get me out of the house and away from my dad but it only delayed the encounters because my mother worked days and went to college at night so he knew when she wasn’t going to be home. I began looking to older men to replace the love and positive attention I wasn’t getting from my father and I found one named E he worked for the city and he was 10 plus years older than me at the time. He treated me like a queen and over time we grew to care a lot about each other. He listened to me, gave me advice, never pursuing me sexually, as a matter of fact I made the first move, he resisted at first but eventually gave in because for me my father had started my engine and I was ready to go and away I went. We would sneak to be together every chance we got, after band practice or competitions, on the way home from school, in backseat of his car, park, hotels wherever we could find and it was exciting to me. I didn’t realize until later that once my father molested me he set in motion my choice of dating men 10 years or older even to this day.