Preacher Kid Confessions

The true story of one woman's journey in faith

Ever since I can remember I’ve struggled with self esteem and self worth issues, I’m not sure when it happened all I know is that I’ve never felt good about my looks or my overall character since I was little and being in high school made everything worse because the girls teased me all the time for being a preacher kid, being grounded all the time so that I couldn’t attend school dances, or sporting events so I joined the drill team just to try to fit in and make friends and to get out of the house away from my father’s clutches especially with him molesting me two or three days a week for a year and the choices I’ve made in men and so called friends are the consequence of said actions ESPECIALLY WITH MEN. My choices have been hit or miss over the years, I’ve had some fine, smart, caring, romantic, protective, and generous men as boyfriends most of them I met in the army some were like brothers to me the others I couldn’t get enough of on any given day of the week, the one common denominator they all shared is what we women call FOC or FEAR OF COMMITTMENT, they all wanted a playmate and not a helpmate, and I was born to be a man’s helpmate not his mama or a toy to be played with until he breaks it into tiny pieces and throws it away after he gets bored, tired or God forbid  WE PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE WHEN YOU STEP OUT OF YOUR LANE then we’re the pushy, domineering, sassy ones they leave behind for the next chick. I was looking at my child’s father over the weekend I considered him a friend at one time because we were actually friends before we crossed the line and became lovers, we got along fine we were together for 7 years with only 3 arguments and /or disagreements that I still remember to this day but his problem like most men is women one in particular whom I believe put a voodoo curse on him years ago because he couldn’t stay away from her for some reason she still treat him like she’s his mama and not wife and I by no fault of my own was trusting, honest, patient, generous and loving (HOW DARE I) and he left me for her, I was mortified then he filed custody papers with the courts fighting me for custody of our child lying like a bear skin rug to the judges (with her co signing every lie) then they believed the lies and gave him custody. THAT WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE AT THAT TIME losing custody of my child I was so angry with God I didn’t want to hear anything about Him or His word, faith, prayer, nothing, I WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH GOD I BLAMED HIM FOR MY PAIN I didn’t want to read my bible, go to church or pray for a long time but in reality MY PAIN WAS MY FAULT BECAUSE OF MY CHOICE TO LAY WITH THIS MAN OUT OF WEDLOCK AND AGAINST GOD’S WORD, I knew better but I didn’t do better I still continued to lay with a man who never wanted to commit to me even after our child was born, I just hung in there until he left me and now he’s suffering the consequences for his actions all these years later. His life has been chaotic, and stressful since the change of custody, he’s tried for years to kick me out of my own child’s life and raise the child with him and his wife and her kids from a previous marriage. They tried to turn my child against me by calling me names, lying on me to neighbors, teachers, friends, judges, or whomever would listen to them making me look bad in my child’s eyes but it didn’t work, it only drew my child closer to me and they hate that with a passion. In the beginning I would respond to my ex out of anger until I realized I wasn’t being very Christ Like so I needed to change my behavior so that it doesn’t begin to affect my child and began to pray whenever he would make me mad asking the Lord to tell me what I needed to learn from each incident to draw me closer to Him. He’s teaching me patience and how to hold my tongue, it’s not easy trying to keep from telling people off when I’m mad but somehow I was able to do it over time and with the Lord’s help, NOT THAT I’VE MASTERED IT but I have improved and will keep improving because I want to heal from the

adult alone backlit black and white

Photo by Pixabay on

wounds from the past and become the kingdom woman God has for the kingdom man who’s been revealed to me in a vision but I have yet to be revealed to him and I know God will make that happen in His time so until then I’m gonna be patient and wait. My choice to live my life out of God’s will has caused me indescribable pain over the years some I’m still feeling after all these years, we as parents need to watch how we live even before we become parents so that our actions don’t come back and bite us in the booty years later my child now has daddy issues like most kids today although my child’s father was in the house with her and not missing in action like other fathers, because he failed to protect and show my child the way a real father is suppose to treat his child and now my child is acting out and I have to deal with it. CHOICES ARE IMPORTANT SO THE NEXT TIME YOU BEGIN TO TAKE ONE LIGHTLY DO ME A FAVOR,,,,,,,,,,,,,,DON’T

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