When the judge announced he was giving my child over to her father to become her primary residential parent and I’m given visitations on the weekends I couldn’t believe I was hearing what I was hearing, I just sat there in the courtroom stunned because I knew God heard my prayers asking him to keep my child with me. I’m reading my bible, seeking counseling, anything I could do to win this case, I told the truth whether it benefited me or not because I trusted in God and am well aware of His miracle working capabilities so I knew (or I thought I knew) that God will hear me,,,,. well,,, HE DIDN’T (OR SO I THOUGHT AT THE TIME)I lost custody of my child to a man whose past was 10 times worst than mine but he won and I didn’t so the judge set a date for us to exchange custody and that day came fairly quickly her father came in trying to be nice to ease his guilty conscience and me knowing every word of it is a lie and wanting to punch him IN THA THOAT!!! (YES I SPELLED IT LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE) but I held my piece trying hard not to cry in front of my child so when they left I collapsed to the floor and cried for hours until I couldn’t cry anymore and my stomach ached. I was sooooo mad at God, I began to ask him why why why why why did you allow my child to be taken from me when there are worst parents out there than I was who still get to keep their children no matter how many times they mess up, I had no criminal record, and only smoked weed in later in life but yet I lose my child how fair is that?
For the first time in my life I was depressed, I laid in bed for 2 days not eating or drinking anything, not taking any phone calls, I didn’t want any prayers or words of encouragement from the bible or from anyone, I wanted to just BE and gradually work myself through this thing I knew it would take a while before I was back to my old self and I was determined to ride this out
until I got understanding from God as to why this happened and how will He use it for His glory through me. I felt numb inside as if a train had ran over me, I was just as angry at my ex as I was God but He never turned his back on me the entire time I was going through this pain. I couldn’t pray for about a week or so, I refused to pick up my bible, I was conflicted on whether or not I still believed in Him because I felt He let me down and really disappointed me so I began to hold anger towards Him as well as unforgiveness and stopped any spiritual progress I had achieved along the way and I wasn’t happy about it. I was in so much pain and when we hurt on the inside we’re quick to hurt those closest to us so I lashed out at any concern directed at me from whomever would call or come by, my body ache down to my bones each day I thought of ways to hurt my child’s father and his wife but I never followed through I was mad and hurt so instead of doing something stupid to make matters worse, I just sat still in my recliner until I calmed myself down, AGAIN, I wanted nothing to do with God so I didn’t talk to Him or acknowledge his existence, I didn’t care, I just didn’t and at that time I felt no amount of time was going to change my mind about God or the anger I had for Him I was only thinking about ME AND ONLY ME. (SOUNDS LIKE THIS GENERATION OF KIDS RIGHT?)