In the days following the court’s decision I became very depressed, I don’t remember ever being depressed, it was definitely a new feeling and I didn’t like it at all. I laid around all day thinking about my daughter, her dad and his new wife, the judge, lawyers, everyone involved with such anger and discontent and no where to channel or rid myself of such anger. I wasn’t able to work, eat, pray, read my bible, or sleep I had little or no energy crying out to God questioning His decision to take my child away from me it took everything in me to keep from hating all involved the word of God instilled in me as a child basically erased that word from my vocabulary inside and out and though I didn’t hate the situation I was angry and bitter and it’s just as bad. I lived and breathe anger deep in my bones mostly directed at God because He turned his back on me so I turned my back on Him and refused to acknowledge Him I was mad and didn’t care about anything or anyone.
After about 3 to 4 months I realized I had no money coming but bills still needing to be paid so I applied for a crossing guard position at the neighborhood school not expecting to get the job because after all God wasn’t fulfilling my needs so why expect anything from Him. In the meantime the pain increased along with the anger I had good days and bad and found myself wanting some relief in the form of marijuana. I began smoking it again in order to deal with the pain and give me an appetite so that I can eat. it has always been my go to for the pain medicine and it was my best friend for a few weeks.
Another month or two have passed I’m still angry with God but now realizing how empty and miserable I am on the inside and that’s because God’s spirit has withdrawn from me just like I withdrew from God and now I’m wanting to do something about it. I was lying in the floor one day thinking about my life and suddenly I found my self talking to God like He was my father, I opened up to Him like never before letting him know exactly how I was feeling about the last few months and how I felt He let me down, I cried many, many, tears until I found myself laughing and smiling and suddenly feeling more energetic, bubbly, happy, almost like a weight was being lifted off of me and in the process realizing God was there with me the whole time, all I had to do was LET HIM IN and once I did He began to re energize my spirit man to the point of not just talking to Him but reading His word, fasting, praying, and going back to church. I joined a neighborhood church they were very supportive of me and my situation and were a big help in me continuing my walk with the Lord to this day.
One day out of the blue I received a call from the supervisor over the crossing guards and they offered me the job I applied for once I got off the phone I screamed to the top of my lungs, “THANK YOU JESUS FOR BEING MY JEHOVAH JIREH MY PROVIDER” while tears of joy begin to roll down my face He’s blessing me even when I don’t deserve it, and within days of me opening up and pouring my heart out to Him releasing all the anger, hurt, pain, betrayal, and bitterness I had pinned up inside of me all those weeks and months WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE AND I CONSIDER IT A HONOR AND PRIVELEGE TO GO THROUGH TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS IN HIS NAME REGARDLESS OF THE PAIN. THANK YOU LORD. My life today because of yesterday is being lived in HIS TOTAL FAVOR, I trust and depend on Him for everything concerning my life, I trust Him completely for He knows ME better than me so why not leave my life to Him the ULTIMATE EXPERT. I’m now okay with the court’s decision, it’s been a decade now and my daughter is still with her dad I’ve learned to deal with it and her dad and hardly think about neither. This is how God operates, he allows us to go through problems (according to our disobedience to Him) in order to get our attention so that we can focus on Him and not solely on us so now when I’m hit with a problem I get angry for a few minutes then I look to the heavens and say “okay God what am I suppose to learn from this?” then sit still until He answers, I’m learning that when you’re not sure where God wants you to go next my advice to you is to NOT GO UNTIL HE TELLS YOU TO GO that way you wont go wrong. He’s been there for me ever since. FAVOR IS AWESOME YA’LL SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME!!!