My life is getting back to normal now, I’m working and going to church faithfully trying to live by the word of God, It isn’t always easy especially for preacher kids, the spiritual attacks on us are twice as strong because of who are parents are we didn’t ask to be born to preacher parents and we become targets while still in the womb. I personally struggle with anger and lust because of my molestation and those two areas are targeted by Satan more than any other issue I have. Most people don’t believe there is a devil nor hell so when we Christians try to explain why we believe what we believe we’re looked upon as strange or odd, some people believe in witches, UFOs aliens, etc… so it’s not so far fetched to believe in the devil, he is real, he does exist and he’s the root behind the chaos we face on a daily basis. He knows our strengths and our weaknesses sometimes I think he knows me personally like maybe we met in a previous life or something because he just wont leave me alone.
It’s been somewhat peaceful between my child’s father and I, we’re adjusting to the change one day at a time I was so concerned for my daughter because we’ve never been separated for such a long period like this I know eventually it will affect her in a negative way, the courts nor her father cared one way or the other about the repercussions of snatching a child away from it’s mother especially one’s who’s really close to each other like we were. My daughter almost died at birth, she was in the hospital for 5 months weighing 1lb 8oz at 24 weeks, I prayed for her and God healed her to be a beautiful young lady I’m so very proud of, she’s had a rough time since the custody change, she hates living with her dad and his wife, the wife hates my daughter’s guts because of me, she screams and yells at my child, talks condescending or down to her like she’s less than a dog, cursing and calling her bad names like stupid and dumb, she calls me names all the time in front of her as well personally I think she’s pitiful, she doesn’t love herself and I’ve learned over the years that HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE and she’s damaged goods just like the rest of us.
My daughter’s struggling with self esteem issues, self worth issues, daddy issues, acceptance of people issues, along with the regular teenage issues she’s dealing with as a teen, she’s looking to boys of various age ranges for acceptance by offering her body to them and they are taking advantage of her, I hate that she’s dealing with this but such is life with God’s help she will navigate her way through life mistakes and all just like I’m learning now. I’ve talked to her many times about boys and sex, she claims to listen but I know she hasn’t listened and now she’s learning that stupid choices have consequences. She’s developing a lying habit on top of being sexually promiscuous so I’m concerned about her health and safety as well, I’ve had to chase a 30 something year old man away from her almost 3 years ago trying to have sex with her when I try to talk to her dad about her situations he totally ignores or deny she’s struggling, he has failed to protect her from the verbal abuse his wife has directed her way I sometimes can’t believe at one time this was a man I planned to marry, we got along great in the 7 years we were together.
I can count on one hand how many times we argued during those times so you can imagine my surprise when he filed custody on me out of the blue and lied on top of everything else to get what he wanted and all that was TO HURT ME. All this stuff he’s doing to our daughter is directed at me to get some sort of rise out of me and it use to work in the beginning because whenever he made me mad in past he would record my rant then use it against me in court, he is very sneaky, whenever he does something nice concerning our daughter I’m leery and hesitant because he’s usually setting me up for violating a court order and jail time. I’m living daily with the threat of jail because of him so I have to be on my toes at all times my daughter can’t do anything against the judge’s order or I will be locked up AND THIS IS WHY I’M WRITING THIS POST I’m still suffering the consequences of my actions 16 years later, my choice to lay with a man I wasn’t married to, producing a child out of wedlock, our eventual breakup, and now the custody change and it’s repercussions. If I’d known then what I know now I would’ve kept walking by my ex instead of stopping to talk to him. I’m suffering the consequence by not having full custody of my child, paying child support, living daily under the threat of jail time and after a decade of this nonsense it does get old and redundant.
I have to seek God daily through His word and prayer to try to make it through each day, it’s not easy having to hold your tongue and turn the other cheek when someone is messing with you or your children, I’m only human and sometimes I don’t always say or do the right thing when I’m angry but I do repent and ask God for forgiveness, He’s a loving and forgiving God I know He sees my current situation and is continuing to work behind the scenes putting the right people in place to bring my daughter home to me, I pray daily He will help me interact with her dad better as we try to co parent our child I’m not saying he doesn’t love our child, he just doesn’t know how to love her in a healthy productive fatherly way because he was never taught by his dad and now this cycle is continuing through my child. I must love him with the same love that Jesus has for
me so I know I must try to be a better woman of God and mother for my child, and co parent with her dad and once that happens God will change our situation FOR THE BETTER BECAUSE THAT’S WHO HE IS. Thank you Lord