I lived in California for 11 years that’s where I met my child’s father we worked at the same company I was a team leader, he was a forklift driver. I remember when I first met him he walked by me my first day and when I saw him I was immediately attracted to him and began flirting with him I asked him if anyone had ever told him he looked like the actor Sam Elliott then he said “yes all the time” and from that point on we became friends. We talked and flirted daily, ate lunch together and eventually became FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS with no emotional attachment or pressures of monogamy and we both were okay with that choice. He was living with the woman he’s married to now but at the time he was saying it was over with her, he was living there until he gets his own place but it never happened (or at least not at this moment).
The first time we hooked up we met a hotel for the day as soon as our feet crossed over the threshold we were in the bed having UNPROTECTED sex (dumbest choice ever number 1) and after a couple hours of fun, fun, fun he told me once we were finished that I was pregnant but I didn’t believe him because at this time I’m in my mid 30’s and never been pregnant so my arrogance left no room for the possibility of me being pregnant,…WELL GUESS WHAT? I ENDED UP PREGNANT A MONTH OR SO LATER!! I was completely shocked and surprised but in a way happy because I’m finally going to be a mother which will make my mom happy because for years she mentioned on more than one occasion how much she wants grandchildren but I wasn’t ready for that responsibility, I wanted to come and go as I pleased not be tied down with a baby UHHH, NOOO!
My baby daddy really took care of us while I was pregnant, no one at work knew we were messing around let alone my being pregnant, he made sure I had enough food for me and the baby, he would greet me with a hug upon arriving for work and rub my stomach while saying hello to our daughter it was so sweet and endearing and I began to have more than just friends with benefits feelings for him and I think he did too we were both afraid of being hurt if we began a relationship so we decided to not rock the boat and keep things the way they are. Once I had my daughter we moved in together so that we could co-parent our child and be together on a full time basis but shortly afterwards my dad became sick with cancer so My daughter and I flew home to take care of him while there my ex asked me during a phone conversation we were having if I’d ever had sex or would consider having sex with a WOMAN? I was taken aback at first but then my curiosity and fearlessness got the best of me and I told him no I hadn’t but would be willing to TRY ANYTHING ONCE (WHY DID I AGREE TO THAT?) (DUMBEST CHOICE #2) I knew better but I didn’t care at that point so once I arrived back in California we arranged for our first encounter at our place we had just moved into after our child was born. I asked my best friend at the time if she’d ever been with a woman, she had been with a friend of hers before so I asked her if she would be willing to show me what it’s like and she agreed so we set up the hook up on a Saturday night.
I was nervous and excited at the same time, here I am a preacher kid and I’m about to start a lesbian relationship with my best friend and child’s father, WHAT WAS I THINKING? The time has come, we have the music playing in the background while he and my friend were getting familiar with each other. I soon joined them and we all smoked some marijuana and they drank the liquor I didn’t like alcohol so I just stuck with the weed. I was so nervous touching my friend in a sexual way it felt strange but not enough to stop so I DOVE IN HEAD FIRST (NO PUN INTENDED) having actual sex with my friend and my child’s father, A THREESOME and after my initial hesitation the marijuana has now kicked in and I’m feeling no shame, fear, or guilt over y behavior just having fun pleasing a woman. Deep inside I knew I was wrong in God’s eyes, I’m LIVING A GAY LIFESTYLE which is totally against what I’ve been taught as a Christian all my life but during this time all the decisions I was making are being decided while I’m still living in NUMBVILLE, it’s an alternate state of mind I’ve chosen to live in after my molestation, it was my way of coping day by day without telling anyone what I was going through and to this day, I’M STILL LIVING IN NUMBVILLE.
We also partied with a female friend of his as well, it was fun, exciting and different and I’m now all in with this lifestyle but it’s funny, I could only party with women when I was high on weed, other than that I wouldn’t have been able to participate in it. I was so focused on making my child’s father happy, I didn’t care about how God felt about it, I was having fun (or so I thought) and wanted to have more fun so now we’re having threesomes and foursomes with my friend and his friend’s too. I thought once I got into the lifestyle all would be good because women can please women better than men sexually but that turned out to be a lie some women don’t know what they’re doing. The longer I stayed in this lifestyle the more miserable I began to feel on the inside I knew it was God speaking to my heart telling me how much He loves me and wants me to turn back to Him and away from sin soon afterwards my life began to fall apart, my relationship failed, I lost my apartment and living on food stamps I still continued to dabble every once in awhile in that lifestyle until one day I decided I’d had enough and got out of the lifestyle by going to church, praying, and reading my bible once that happened the blessings began to flow, I got a job driving the city bus and a house to live in and on the day I got my schedule my dad called to tell me he only had 2 months to live he is dying from cancer.
I moved home immediately to take care of my dad I didn’t care about what he did to me as a teen, I forgave him years ago just as God did and we both loved my dad regardless of his mistakes. IT WAS SUCH A BLESSING TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF MY DADDY WE LAUGHED AND CRIED, WE MADE PEACE WITH EACH OTHER AND I TOLD HIM ONCE AGAIN THAT I FORGAVE HIM YEARS AGO SO PLEASE FORGIVE YOURSELF BECAUSE GOD HAS and 7 hours later DADDY DIED!!! I have no regrets, I’m thankful for those special moments we had before he died, the bathing, feeding, dressing, laughing, etc.. I wouldn’t change that time for nothing and will cherish it forever. I miss you daddy, I love you and I thank God for giving you to me as my daddy, we had more fun times than bad and THOSE GOOD TIMES ARE THE ONES I CHOOSE TO REMEMBER. THANK YOU FOR THE GOOD TIMES See you in heaven I have no doubt you’re there with Jesus because you asked for His forgiveness and He gave it to you as did I. FORGIVENESS IS IMPORTANT AND KEY IN THE LIFE OF A CHRISTIAN IF WE CAN’T FORGIVE OUR BROTHER REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE’S DONE WE WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN BY GOD IN JUDGEMENT. PLEASE LET IT GO!!! Be blessed my peeps