I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately, I miss him so much he was not a perfect father to me, he was abusive to me both physically and sexually but I never hated him, I thought it was normal after awhile. My dad was funny, generous, hard working, and an excellent cook I remember standing in the door a many a day watching him cook a Sunday meal 7 days of the week, he really loved to cook, I inherited that skill and love of cooking from him. My mom likes to cook and she knew daddy loved it so she had no problem letting daddy do his thing in the kitchen while she sat back getting waited on hand and foot by my dad, HE WAS A FLAWED MAN but he was a good man in more ways. I know he regretted molesting me, I couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind after each encounter, I don’t know if he’d ever cried or anything I know I cried more than anyone could ever imagine.
It may seem by my willingness to be open about such a sensitive topic that this is easy for me to say such terrible things about my dad BELIEVE ME THIS IS NOT EASY I HAD TO DO A LOT OF SOUL SEARCHING AND PRAYING BECAUSE I KNOW IT WILL EMBARRASS MY PREACHER FAMILY ONCE THEY FIND OUT so NO it’s not easy, there is no way I could’ve done this in my own strength, I have to get my strength from the Lord, HE AND HE ALONE has helped me not only deal with my feelings (good or bad) towards my dad but most importantly He taught me HOW TO TOTALLY FORGIVE MY DAD and truth be told after holding onto the pain for so long, THE FORGIVENESS PART WAS ACTUALLY EASIER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. It is definitely therapeutic.
The word NUMBVILLE is a word I made up years ago to describe MY LIFE from the age of 9 years old to now, it’s a world where you’re looking at YOU YOURSELF LIVING DAY BY DAY similar to someone recording you all day everyday living your life mistakes and all. There’s a feeling of NUMBNESS that take over a person once they’ve been violated whether through rape, assault, or molestation, in my case of molestation I completely SHUT DOWN EMOTIONALLY AND PYSCOLOGICALLY my coping mechanism became a driving force in my mind to try to live as normal a life as possible after each incident of molestation by both my dad and uncle(my uncle touched me at the age of 9 that’s when it all started).
When a male authority figure violate you in such a way the fear, shock, pain, hurt, and NUMBNESS overpower your emotions when you’re at your most vulnerable and in my case I was 9 and 15 when I was molested these are the most impressionable times for a kid/teen, I didn’t know what to do simply because this is my father, my PREACHER FATHER who is molesting me for an entire year with not just touching and kisses here and there but full blown sexual intercourse with me like I’m his wife or girlfriend DO YOU KNOW HOW DISGUSTING THAT IS?
NUMBVILLE is a mind set I chose to live under, it kept me from dealing with my pain and anger towards my dad and the situation we’re in, I feel like I’m living on a cloud my life is fuzzy at times and clear at other times. The choices I am making are a direct result of NUMBVILLE preventing me from dealing with my pain it’s like having an invisible wall inside my body and mind. It is not the ideal way I would’ve chosen to live my life, I am hating the choices I made while in NUMBVILLE, the drug use, promiscuity, idolization of men over God and sexual perversion with bi-sexuality. I’m not speaking against anyone who choses to live this lifestyle, it’s up to the Lord to judge, I can only speak on the change that has occurred in me since He has cleaned me up and forgiven me of my sins ALL OF THEM. There are no sins any bigger than the others in God’s eyes, there are no big sins and little sins so I’m not judging anyone, it was a sin when I did it and it’s a sin when others are doing it.
It took me a few years to build up the strength to start this blog, although I’m healed through the blood of Jesus the pain of re-hashing all this is therapeutic to my spirit, it’s causes me to WANT to share my struggle with others who share my experiences this is why we Christians go through trials and tribulations because they help build faith in God with those we choose to share our experiences with and it builds our faith in Him at the same time, and as a Christian I know that God is there with us during those times of heartache and pain He promised to never leave nor forsake us and I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT HIS WORD IS TRUE. I will not always be living in NUMBVILLE, with God’s help I can be completely set free from the emotional bondage of hurt and pain from the past but in the meantime I will continue to share my experience and struggles with sin with others along with the ULTIMATE SOLUTION to my pain AND HE IS JESUS CHRIST.
His love for me has given me strength to share my life experiences with all of you for HIS GLORY, He and He alone is my reason for living each day. I thank you Lord for the process of healing, I thank you for my trials and tribulations, I’m loving the relationship I’m developing with Him during this time and I pray those of you who are going through trials learn to do the same. TRUST GOD THROUGH YOUR NUMBVILLE, HE WILL SEE YOU THROUGH. Thank you Lord Jesus