Hey my peeps I pray ya’ll are having as blessed a day as I am, the Lord is still blessing me and I’m loving every minute of it. I guess you’re wandering about the title of my blog today, there is meaning behind it, and it started when I was 9 years old after my uncle began molesting me then at the age of 15 my preacher father took over molesting me for a year on a weekly basis. I’ve struggled with LUST EVER SINCE AND I HATE IT!!!! I’ve always been different than most people, I think for myself, I refuse to be put in a box, and I will not allow anyone to make me do anything I don’t want to do, PERIOD!! My problem is that no matter how hard I try to live a HOLY life according to God and His word I still struggle with LUST and believe it or not I’ve FAILED MORE OFTEN THAN NOT and the guilt that comes along with it bothers me for days.
I’ve allowed myself to be treated like a SEALY POSTURPEDIC MATTRESS over the years by all my previous boyfriends and as I reflect on my past behaviors, I’m still shocked by most of the things I’ve done IN THE NAME OF LOVE, my trusting and vulnerable nature placed a BULLSEYE ON MY FOREHEAD as a way to attract selfish, self centered, manipulative, con artist liars who treated me like a SEX OBJECT ( though I was a willing participant) instead of the GOOD WOMAN THEY ALL SAID I WAS the entire time we were together but I’m thinking, IF I WAS SUCH A GOOD WOMAN, WHY WOULDN’T YOU COMMITT? I began to question myself and my abilities wandering what it is that I’m doing to keep ending up back HERE relationship after relationship?
My friend from my previous posts now fit into that category, all he ever wanted from me was SEX, I admit I failed at times and the guilt never let me forget it but there is more to me than just SEX and I don’t know why these men don’t see it in me, I know I’m complicit in my own pain, I must look at my own choices that drive my decision making when it comes to men and work to make the necessary changes needed to change my circumstances and make my self better for the man God has for me. I’m doing that with my friend by not having sex with him and now he’s been DISTANT these last few days limiting his contact with me to vague text messages (as if I wouldn’t notice the change in his attitude knowing him the way I do) and you know what? I REALLY DON’T CARE AT THIS POINT!! I really don’t, because I’ve shown these men a different side of me in every relationship I had, it was THEIR CHOICE TO ONLY SEE ME AS A SEALY POSTURPEDIC MATTRESS and now that I’ve been focusing on living a holy lifestyle by not fornicating among other sins my friend wants to start trippin’ BUT he’s also showing me a side of selfishness I failed to see before now and I’m okay with it because I’m going to be a little selfish right now by looking out for ME for once, (HOW DARE I)???
Men and women have used each other as sex objects for years, men more than women especially during the boyfriend/girlfriend stages of a relationship, we women are expected to be in the mood for sex at the drop of a hat, no matter what’s going on in our lives, SEX, SEX, SEX, I WANT SEX, never mind getting to know her and her likes/dislikes concerning sex, life, the world in general but only SEX, SEX, SEX I see her as sex, sex, sex then wander why after years of being with the same woman she begins to be turned off from sex with you. A SEX OBJECT HAS NO FEELINGS, NEITHER DOES A MATTRESS, but a WOMAN does and we need to be made to feel like we’re worth more than that. I KNOW I’M WORTH MORE THAN THAT and now that I know better I will do better by refusing to give my body away to a man before a ring, I’m excited about the direction I’m going in my spiritual walk. It will not be easy because I’m still struggling with intimacy but in those times I’m learning how to deal with it through prayer now that Jesus will be my mate until he sends me my earthly one.
I miss hanging out with my friend but it’s a blessing in disguise us not being around each, it keeps the pressure of wanting sex off me, and the fear of being turned down from sex off of him, he NEEDS TO MISS ME, he needs healing from the Lord from pasts hurts and until he does, he will continue to treat women as SEALY POSTURPEDIC MATTRESSES. I will continue to pray for him, I still consider him my friend, he’s a good guy just flawed like me, but in my weakness I will be made strong with the help of the Lord, so LADIES IT’S TIME TO CHANGE YOUR NAME FROM SEALY POSTURPEDIC MATTRESS to FUTURE AND POTENTIAL HELPMEET to the man God has for you!! I changed my name praise the Lord, you can change yours with the help of the Lord. FATHER HELP ME TO SEE THAT I’M FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE in YOU LORD GOD I welcome your strength and power during this journey, I will stay on this path no matter what because I KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU’VE DONE FOR ME, all that I do I pray to do to your glory as my Lord and Savior, THANK YOU FOR CHANGING MY NAME!!! I AM NOT A “SEA-LY POS-TURE- PE- DIC MAT- TRESS (shout out to the E S T of NXT (BIANCA BELAIR) WHO IS UN-DE-FEA-TED?? HEYYYY? BE BLESSED MT PEEPS ENJOY YOUR JOURNEY, I PROMISE YOU I AM!!!