There’s been an awful lot of talk about sexual assault and rape because of the #Metoo movement, women are coming out of hiding in a sense to tell of their experiences with some form of sexual assault, or rape, from men in power over them, family members, ex boyfriends, and strangers. I was molested by two different family members as a child and teenager each time the assault happened for months at a time, I was scared to death to say anything to anyone, I kept it to myself until I was in my early 30’s, one of my biggest pet peeves is when a woman finally get the nerve to reveal such a devastating secret to others, she’s immediately bombarded with questions like “why she wait so long to say anything? how come she didn’t tell a policeman, teacher, pastor or someone? You know, questions like that which are very, very insulting to me as a sexual assault survivor.
My father had full blown sex with me when I was 15, I can still remember every disgusting encounter after all these years, I remember his scent, his facial expressions as he entered my bedroom to violate me, I can still see my bedroom and the bathroom where my molestation happened, it is permanently etched into my brain, I HATE TAKING BATHS TO THIS DAY because of the bad memories, I refuse to sit in a bath tub with or without water, I think if I’m ever in the path of a tornado, I will hide in the closet or a bunker somewhere before I lay in the tub, there are just too many bad memories I wish I could forget. My dad performed oral sex on me, as well as vaginal penetration, ya’ll have no idea how gross and disgusting it is to have your FATHER’S NAKED BODY LYING ON TOP OF YOU DOING THE MOST VILE AND DISGUSTING THINGS A PERSON CAN DO TO HIS TEENAGE DAUGHTER, (UGHHH, I JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH)!
I REALLY WISH I COULD FORGET THOSE HORRIBLE MEMORIES, but no matter how hard I try or as much as I want to forget, I JUST CAN’T FORGET so I have to learn to DEAL WITH WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. It’s not easy dealing with the emotional aftermath of sexual assault, WE BLAME OURSELVES, WE’RE ASHAMED, WE’RE ANGRY, but we’re AFRAID more than anything of suffering repercussions if we say anything out of fear of the next encounter being worse than the previous ones. I’ve gotten counseling over the years for my issues, it has helped but there’s no amount of counseling that will take away the hurt, pain, anger, OR MEMORIES of what happened but I know I CAN’T KEEP LIVING IN THE PAST!!!
I’m learning to let go of all the pain, it’s gotten better over time, there are days when a song, movie, or talk show would trigger a memory or two, I would cry or be angry for however long the moment lasted then I’d PRAY TO GOD TO HELP ME HEAL FROM MY HURTS. YES, I HAVE BEEN VICTIMIZED, BUT I AM NOT A VICTIM, I refuse to live in fear and sadness, I have a lot to live for, I HAVE A GOD GIVEN PURPOSE in this life and I’m choosing to live it to it’s fullest, and writing this blog has helped me in my healing process, THE LORD HAS SHOWN ME THAT MY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS are for OTHERS MORE SO THAN ME. It took me awhile to understand what He truly meant and I do struggle with this at times, I’m only human, I have feelings too but He knows my heart, He knows of my desire to follow Him in spite of my shortcomings and because of His love, grace, and mercy, I can overcome anything thrown at me.
Prayer and the bible is key to my healing, without it I would be totally lost and a LOSER I WILL NEVER BE. I thank God for my gifts, my life, and struggles, I look forward to hearing from Him, He has an awesome sense of humor in the midst of my pain, I know it’s hard to understand to the average person who may not believe in God like I do or who may not have experienced any (special) moment with God as I have but HE IS REAL, HIS WORD IS REAL and because of them I don’t have to live my life as a victim, I AM VICTORIOUS NOT A VICTIM and so are all of you who have been victimized in life, WE ARE MORE THAN CONQUERORS THRU HIM THAT LOVED US! Romans 8:37. Start living your life as a conqueror not a victim use your time to help others through their sufferings you will begin to feel better inside and out, TRUST THE LORD WITH ALL THINE HEART AND LEAN NOT TO THY OWN UNDERSTANDING, IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATH. Proverbs 3:5-6 I’m living my life in spite of my past, please feel free to join me! God Bless you all my peeps