My day started out like any other day in my life, I pray as soon as I open my eyes because I refuse to not give God His thanks for waking me up each morning allowing me to see another day and the perfect use of my limbs, I thank Him for not receiving a phone call in the night from family or friends saying someone was hurt or deceased and lastly for traveling graces and mercies throughout the day and He has taken awesome care of me all my life. My mom and I were in the process of making Christmas plans, she lives out of state so I was gonna pick her up and bring her to stay with me for a couple weeks and she agreed to these plans at the time, at least in principal (or so I thought) so I decided to call to confirm the plans and found out that she changed them (which I wouldn’t normally have a problem if the reason was LEGIT, but in this case, she was only focusing on her comfort over quality time with her only child and grandchild. She’s playing the “When you’re older you value the comforts of your home better and that she CAN’T POSSIBLY STAY A WHOLE TWO WEEEKS WITH ME, she has to be comfortable, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,(WHICH IS WHAT IT BEGAN SOUNDING LIKE THE MORE SHE TALKED) and how I need to keep living to see how she feels, (MIND YOU, SHE IS THE SAME MAMA WHO HAS TOLD ME ALL MY LIFE NOT TO LIVE MY LIFE BY FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS BY BEING ATTACHED TO HOMES, PEOPLE, ETC.. BUT IN TRUSTING IN GOD) and here she is changing plans based off her lack of comfort away from her PRECIOUS home!!!
I didn’t want to disrespect her over the phone so I politely ended the call but on the inside I WAS BOILING WITH ANGER (an issue I struggle with because of my molestation), I could not believe she was willing to miss spending quality time with us because she couldn’t stand being away from her house for very long, DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE AND HURTFUL THAT IS TO ME? I mean, I get that as we age we tend to want to be home more often than not, hey, I’ve worked with seniors for the past 35 years so I know what and how they think but I also know that in life things are not always about being comfortable and easy, SOMETIMES you have to deal with some discomfort, pain, sorrow, and make exceptions for the sake of peace and others, in this case, my mom and I have lived away from each other since I graduated high school, I went into the military after graduation and have lived away from home ever since, I couldn’t always afford to go home for holidays and worked has interfered at times as well but when the opportunity would come for me to go visit family whether I’d be comfortable or not I would go and spend as much time as I could with my family.
My mom’s only excuse is that she wants to be comfortable at her age and can’t stay with me for two weeks but only for a couple days, she also agreed to drive herself (in which I think is a bad idea because she just had carpal tunnel surgery in the last month and still in a lot of pain especially at night) but she’s determined to make this holiday season all about her and her comfort and not willing to put that comfort to the side for A COUPLE WEEKS in order to spend time with her ONLY DAUGHTER AND GRANDDAUGHTER, THE SAME GRANDDAUGHTER SHE’S BEGGED ME TO GIVE HER FOR YEARS, the same granddaughter she keeps mentioning to me as often as she could that she wishes she could spend more time with and now the opportunity has arrived, SHE’S THROWING IT AWAY FOR COMFORT. She’s being selfish and all into her feelings right now and selfishness is one of my biggest pet peeves. I was born and raised an only child but I wasn’t raised to be selfish, I had to work for everything I got as a teen, including my first car, I had 49 other cousins to hang out with, so sharing was MANDATORY in my family and now that I have my ONE AND ONLY CHILD I’m teaching her how to not be selfish, I WANT HER TO ALWAYS BE GENEROUS with her time, her money, and her heart, never selfish and that selfish persons will not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
My mom doesn’t realize how much she’s hurt me with her response, I’ve supported her emotionally and financially here as of late she’s had surgery and other health issues since July so when she needed me I was there for her no matter how much it inconvenienced me to miss work, monies, sleep, etc.. and the one time I want and need her support, she can’t provide it because of her AGE AND COMFORT, really???? I haven’t spoken to her since the other day, I’m so disappointed and hurt that it can come across as anger and disrespect and I refuse to carry those things in my heart towards my mother so I must take this time to search my heart to make sure I’m not holding bitterness and unforgiveness towards her and in order to do that I’ve stayed to myself so I could reflect on my actions, I’m praying to God and reading my bible finding comfort in HIS word to help me deal with the negative feelings I feel for my mom at this moment.
It’s not easy trying to live a HOLY life according to the bible especially when people hurt you and when your a preacher kid and grand kid it’s twice as hard to navigate, I know we will work out our issues sooner than later because we both know that harboring bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart will be one of the many issues that will not only keep us out of heaven BUT WILL ALSO TAKE AWAY PEACE OF MIND AND THERE’S NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT FOR A CHILD OF GOD THAN PEACE OF MIND!! I LOVE MY MOTHER, she’s a great mom but she’s also a flawed mom just like everyone else’s mom, I miss her and pray that she changes her mind or at least learn from her mistakes as we all should. I thank you Lord for blessing me with a great mom I pray that I can be as great a mom to my daughter as she has with me, I’m seeing signs of my daughter listening and learning from my mistakes, I’m trying to be as transparent with my struggles to her as possible so that she won’t make the same mistakes I did but in reality I must remember that trials and tribulations only make us stronger in our FAITH AND COUNTENANCE, AND ONCE YOU BECOME A CHRISTIAN YOUR PROBLEMS ARE ONLY JUST BEGINNING!! I’m proud of my daughter and proud to be her mom, I hope my mom feels the same about me, I’m sure she does in my mind but in my heart, IT’S ANOTHER STORY,,,,,, FOR NOW…. TO BE CONTINUED BE BLESSED TODAY AND ALWAYS