Merry belated CHRISTmas to all of you, I pray ya’ll had a blessed weekend including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I worked the holiday like I always do I take care of seniors in their homes so I might as well get paid to do exactly what I would do at home. As of Christmas eve I still hadn’t heard from my mom, she apparently is still feeling some sort of way about our last conversation from a month ago where she cancelled our Christmas plans at the last minute with a rather flimsy excuse. The guy I was seeing is radio silent as well, he’s definitely feeling himself right about now. I was asked a favor by his mom so in the process of completing the favor we became face to face for the first time in over a month. I was waiting to see what his reaction would be once our eyes locked and I got my answer WITH A QUICKNESS, HE TOTALLY IGNORED ME, and what made it so bad is that he did it in front of his mom, I know she had to sense something was off between us, I’m not sure if he ever said anything to her about our fallout, I know I never said anything because it’s not my style, I LOATHE PEOPLE BEING IN MY RELATIONSHIP BUSINESS, after ignoring me he just left back out the door he just entered into a few seconds prior. I was shocked, angry and hurt all at the same time, I couldn’t believe he would treat me that way especially with all the times I’ve forgiven him for his crap in the past so I had to go and sit in my car and began crying from he IG-ING me.
I cried like someone slapped me and stole my bike, I realized that not only was I crying for my ex, but I was crying for my mom as well because she’s been IG-ING me too for a small, petty, reason, and she’s also been IG-ING my daughter, (her only grandchild) simply because she’s mad at me. I don’t like my child being ignored and mistreated, she has nothing to do with my situation with mama and as far as I’m concerned, she’s acting no different than my child’s father who takes his anger at me out on her and allows his wife to do the same. It’s been really difficult for me to stay calm and not allow myself to become so angry that I’d say or text something to them just to be mean and revengeful, I know that is not the way Jesus would want me to act so I began looking at this situation differently after praying and crying out to Him to help me deal with my grief from the separation from my mom and my ex, they both have been an important part of my life over the years with prayers and support and now neither is communicating with me and it’s taking me a minute to get use to not hearing from them daily or weekly I miss them both.
I know from experience that God places people in our lives for a reason, some are longer than others but He still places them there AND HE WILL ALSO TAKE THEM AWAY in some way in order to get your focus back onto Him and in my case I was leaning more on MAN than I did GOD AND THAT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE ON MY PART because I’m now suffering the emotional consequences for my idolization of sorts with my mom and ex, and realizing I need to take advantage of this ALONE TIME GOD IS DESIRING OF ME, He misses me when I don’t talk to Him through prayer and reading my bible by trying to LIVE HIS WAYS according to HIS word in spite of my shortcomings so I’m now refocused on Jesus and getting closer to Him leaning and trusting in Him for the support I need during difficult times, it is helping me TREMENDOUSLY, I can feel my faith building each day that passes, while the hurt is fading away to the point to where I can go hours without thinking about it or them.
I have a personal trainer now and my daughter and I are working out together, God is blessing me financially to where I WANT FOR NOTHING, He’s been supplying the RAM IN THE BUSH for months on end and I’m so excited for my wilderness experience, I’m looking forward to spending more time getting to know Him. I’m also participating in PRISON MINISTRY with my church and an organization out of state. I along with my associate pastor have church service at the women’s prison 2 times a month and I correspond by mail with bible study lessons to inmates all over the US through Crossroads Ministries I’m so excited to finally be able to use my gift of EVANGELISM that God’s blessed me with to help both men and women behind bars stay strong and trust in the Lord with all their hearts and lean not to their own understanding, in all their ways acknowledge Him and He will direct their paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 I’m in such a better place now thanks to God’s help and His UNCONDITIONAL love for me unlike man’s love that comes with strings and conditions, God will never leave me nor forsake me.
Imagine my surprise during my bible study lesson Christmas Day I received 2 texts messages within minutes of each other from MY MOM AND MY EX wishing me a Merry Christmas after all these weeks of radio silence from both. I started not to respond and leave them hanging like they left me but then my spirit became convicted for thinking the way I did so I responded with the same message after praying and thanking God they finally reached out to me BUT, I was also PUT OFF by the fact that they on text me because it was Christmas, DID THEY ACTUALLY THINK THEY WOULD GET SOME EXTRA BROWNIE POINTS FROM ME because they texted me after all this time, UH, NO, my reaction was not good, I was angry I admit it because I felt that they weren’t sincere with those well wishes so it meant nothing to me, I actually wished they hadn’t reached out at all because here we are the day after Christmas and they’re both RADIO SILENT AGAIN, WOWWWWWWWW, WHAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT IN REACHING OUT?
I’m not going to let them stop my progress, I love my mom, eventually we will be okay, I’m not mad at her, I’m giving her the space she needs right now to work through some things just like my ex, they’ll be okay and they will be back, THEY ALWAYS COME BACK, I will keep praying for them daily, I know God will work it all out in His time AND in the MEANTIME I WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE MY WILDERNESS TIME IN THE LORD. THANK YOU LORD FOR LOVING ME EVEN WHEN I DON’T DESERVE IT, AND NEVER LEAVING ME, please forgive me for my sins of commission and omission in Jesus name I pray, AMEN. ENJOY YOUR WILDERNESS TIME MY PEEPS, IT’S ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT!!!! BE BLESSED TODAY AND ALWAYS