I sometimes feel like an umpire of a ballgame, I’m a representative of both teams which consists of good, evil, and the grey areas in between WHICH IS WHERE THE UMPIRE COMES INTO PLAY, he has to be the mediator/conscience of the players on both teams and in this case, PTSD IS MY QUARTERBACK AND I AM HIS OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE LINE, but unlike the real players, I HAVE NO OFF SEASON NOR TIME OFF TO RECOVER FROM MY INJURIES like the WHINY, WIMPY, NFL, NBA, WNBA, ETC,,, players. PTSD IS NOTHING TO TAKE LIKELY, I’ve been dealing with it since I was 9 yrs old when I was first molested by my uncle, I was traumatized during this entire experience, it was something that occurred on the regular for months before ending suddenly (thank God). I remember being NUMB, CONFUSED, ANGRY, SAD, HURT, LOST, all I could do was lay there and take it I was too scared to move and too scared to tell someone in fear of repercussions and embarrassment. PTSD then took me to age 15 when my dad began molesting me, he continued that crap for a year, the feelings I had at 9 had began to escalate times 1000 and I’ve been playing on the offensive and defensive sides of this game with no rest, halftime or game ending buzzer EVER SINCE. Quarterback PTSD will huddle with his players assessing the situation deciding which player HE trust the most to carry the ball gaining EACH AND EVERY YARD/ INCH NECESSARY TO SCORE THAT GOAL AND ULTIMATELY WIN THE GAME!!
The umpire will also assess the plays, players and the ball, once the game begins he will make sure to he’s in the right position to catch the players breaking the rules and once there’s a foul on the play, the umpire will throw out the flag (THE BIBLE), huddle with other umpires to get there input (PRAYER) before announcing the infraction and penalty that comes with it. PTSD HAS MANY PLAYS IN IT’S PLAYBOOK, THE PLAYS ARE CONSTANTLY CHANGING and can cause a person to spin out of control forcing the umpire to step in to take back control of the game. You can be upbeat and vibrant one moment then something happens to anger you then another personality would take COMPLETE control over you.
I’m the umpire my issues are the playbook, when my issues arrive whether through triggers from a song, movie, tv show, or a human being they usually arrive in spurts here and there and sometimes they arrive with a vengeance, it can be extremely overwhelming to deal with the emotional trauma of being abused which is why we who have been victimized tend to keep this horrible experience to ourselves and in my case I held onto my SECRET for years, only telling a couple of my closest friends. I’m still dealing with the trauma from this CRAP, IT’S BEEN OVER 40 years since it first happened, first by my uncle, then my dad, THEN ONCE I WENT TO THE ARMY, one of my drill sergeants in basic training HAD SEX WITH ME and one of my SSG at my permanent duty station in Germany pinned me up in the motor pool after work hours and had sex with me, I was scared and intimidated by these two authority figures but then again WHY SHOULD I BE SURPRISED AT THIS WHEN MY FAMILY HAD BEEN DOING THE EXACT SAME THING TO ME?
My willingness to go along with my offenders through my silence and fear afforded them the opportunity to violate others and you can believe I FEEL PRETTY GUILTY FOR KEEPING QUIET FOR SO LONG. I don’t know how many others my drill sergeant, SSG, dad, and uncle actually molested or assaulted but I know IF YOU CAN DO IT ONCE, YOU WILL DO IT AGAIN!!! I thought my way of thinking is normal but it isn’t and I’ve made nothing but HORRIBLE CHOICES IN MY LIFE EVER SINCE AND NOW ME THE UMPIRE MUST COME IN TO TAKE CONTROL OF THIS GAME THROUGH THE WORD OF GOD, PRAYER, AND FASTING, these three items are essential in scoring a touchdown whenever your team has the ball and to guarantee a victory in the GAME OF LIFE!!
I’m really tired of living like this, my bursts of anger, insomnia, fear of commitment, pasts drug use, isolation, all these horrible feelings I have built up deep inside of me that I’ve held onto for decades is not a healthy, and prosperous way to live life, I’m seeking professional help FINALLY, I’m exposing the devil and his demonic influences he’s had in my life by allowing God to take control of my life and SET ME FREE ONCE AND FOR ALL FROM SPIRITUAL BONDAGE, THE FIRST STEP IS TO OPEN UP AND BE HONEST ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES IN SPITE OF THE SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT TO ME AND MY FAMILY. I pray this posts makes sense to you, it’s been a trying week emotionally for me, please pray for me and I will pray for all of you, ESPECIALLY ALL MY FOLLOWERS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST AND FOR FOLLOWING ME, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE OR A QUESTION, I’LL BE HAPPY TO ANSWER.
ALLOW THE LORD TO BECOME THE UMPIRE OF YOUR GAME OF LIFE, HIS ARMS ARE BIG ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT. BE BLESSED MY PEEPS