THIS PHOTO SPEAKS VOLUMES, IT DESCRIBES THE EXACT WAY I’VE SEEN MYSELF SINCE THE AGE OF 9 YEARS OLD AFTER MY FIRST SEXUAL ASSAULT BY MY UNCLE.
I met with my counselor for PTSD today, I found it very enlightening, intimidating, and scary as all get out, I’m now faced with re-hashing my pasts hurts, placing them into categories of worst trauma to much less worst trauma, reliving the shock, pain, hurt, betrayal, anger, regret, embarrassment, and shame that’s been hidden IN PLAIN SIGHT all these years, I told my therapist that I feel like I’m living on a cloud watching me live my life to it’s fullest without FEELING life to it’s fullest. I cried a little at times as I remember the first time I was molested by my uncle, he touched me on the inside of my vagina with his finger, but it happened for months, he told me each time not to say anything to anyone and because he was in authority over me at that time (babysitter).
I was to scared to say anything to anyone, I lived in fear of repercussions and embarrassment from family and friends. I had to determine which trauma affected me the most out of all the traumas I’ve experienced in my lifetime since the age of 9, I was molested at 9 & 15 years of age, sexually assaulted in the army twice at 18 years of age, a gun placed to my head as the robber pulled the trigger, (thank God the gun jammed), I was physically assaulted by a drunk ex boyfriend, my child was born 4 months premature she almost died during the process, my dad got sick from cancer suffered for 10 years before dying, I lost custody of my only child (out of spite from her father), was eventually locked up in jail for BACK child support for 100 days, been used by ex boyfriends, so-called ex boyfriends, friends with benefits, whatever, either way I always ended up abandoned, hurt, angry, and questioning my worth and purpose in this world.
I pray these sessions will help me, I’m tired of living in “bondage to my past”, it helps that I’m now sharing my story with all of you, I pray those of you who are living in bondage from your past will get sick and tired of living, being, and existing in life and learn to truly enjoy this life to it’s fullest with help from the Lord Jesus Christ, He and He alone has delivered me from past hurts and pain and in the process I began to heal and FORGIVE those who’ve hurt me. The bible says if we can’t forgive our brother who sins against us, Jesus will not forgive us standing before Him. I’m going to heaven when Jesus returns and I’m striving to take as many people to heaven with me and in order to do that I must strive daily to live a holy life for Jesus says “Be ye holy for I am holy. I know I can’t be perfect in His sight but I can at least TRY even when I fail at times.
My session lasted for 2 hours, I felt better afterwards and I’m looking forward to continuing therapy until I’m better, of course my faith will carry me over the top and I shall come forth as pure gold. THANK YOU LORD FOR DELIVERANCE, THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME “MY DAVID” he’s been really supportive through all this I love him so much and can’t wait to spend my life with him, we’re both wearing our wedding bands, we consider ourselves married already in our hearts, he went to church with me yesterday and really enjoyed himself, attending church is important to our spiritual development in ourselves individually and in our marriage together as one after all God ordained marriage with Adam and Eve, it’s important to both David and myself to honor Him by honoring His marital institution the way He intended from the beginning of time when we do that OUR MARRIAGE WILL BE BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE. THANK YOU LORD, WE LOVE YOU. I LOVE YA’LL MY PEEPS BE BLESSED TODAY AND ALWAYS.