I started my therapy sessions at the VA a couple weeks ago for PTSD issues I’ve struggled with since 9 years of age. It’s a lot tougher than I thought it would be, I’ve been sharing my life with all of you, my hurts, my joys and in doing so I’ve been able to confront some of the feelings I’ve hidden inside of me for the last 40 plus years and began feeling better each time I submitted a post but now that I’m seeing a professional I’m realizing I have a long way to go in this process of healing, there are layers upon layers of pinned up emotions, pains, and betrayals from all the CRAP I’ve gone through in my life and we’ve just begun to scratch the surface.
I have to go back into THAT moment when my dad first entered my room after catching me having sex with my boyfriend at the time and began molesting me, in between thoughts my therapist would ask me what I was feeling at that time from an emotional stand point on a scale form 1-100 then would repeat the question many times while I’m remembering this HORRIBLE CRAP IN DETAIL IN THE MOMENT WHEN MY FEELINGS ARE OPEN AND RAW, I found myself tearing up as I tell this story over and over again, I’m feeling grossed out, filthy, dirty, skanky, nasty, hurt, angry, tense, numb, angry, all of the above the entire time I’m telling this story, I want too cry as I’m typing now just remembering this stuff, I know it’s an important aspect in this healing process and I’m determined to get free from the emotional bondage I’ve lived in over the years.
I feel better after each sessions, I feel like the insides of my body is filled with a huge marshmallow cloud and after each session I feel a little lighter as if someone has pulled a marshmallow from the pile one at a time, (just like they are when you open them up from the plastic bag they’re packaged in). I’m beginning to feel REAL EMOTIONS for the first time since I was a kid, I don’t want to live my life in NUMBVILLE any longer, I want to FEEL real love and since I met MY DAVID I’m experiencing just that! I’ve been in love before while living in NUMBVILLE or at least I thought I was feeling real love but looking back I wasn’t feeling any kind of resemblance of love, I was feeling LUST misconstrued as LOVE. God created love for two people to feel this WONDERFUL FEELING TO IT’S FULLEST but my past traumas shut off my emotions, I hid them in the closet out of fear of getting hurt even more which allowed me to be a MAGNATE FOR MEN TO USE AND TAKE ADVANDTAGE OF.
I’m angry with my dad but I miss him just as much, he passed away 14 years ago and I still miss him regardless of what he’s done to me. I forgave him years ago because Jesus wanted me to, plus I’m a sinner saved by grace so who am I to judge my dad’s shortcomings? I have many more traumas to address in therapy, my breakup and custody fight with my child’s father, my sexual assault while in military twice, my uncle molesting me, my child’s premature birth and her being near death the entire time, church deacons touching me inappropriately as a teen, bullied in school, 2 failed engagements, etc… I HAVE SOME SERIOUS ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE ADDRESSED, I AM DAMAGED GOODS, and before I get married I want to make sure I don’t mistreat my husband and drive him away with my issues, I love MY DAVID, he’s been extremely patient with me during this process I know he loves me, he shows me how much EVERY SINGLE DAY by actions and words.
I’m looking forward to my next session and the ones afterwards because I love feeling LIGHT AS A FEATHER on the inside, I’m HAPPY THAT I CAN FEEL REAL LOVE FROM A REAL MAN LIKE MY DAVID. I’ve never felt like this before and I WANT MORE OF THIS, I DESERVE IT AND I WELCOME IT, IT IS LOVE! The same love Christ has for you and me. I’ll keep ya’ll posted with my recovery, thank you for your prayers. Be blessed today and everyday.