I FEEL EXACTLY THE WAY HE’S LOOKING IN THIS PHOTO SINCE I BEGAN MY THERAPY SESSIONS FOR PTSD FROM MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA X 2 AND AN INCEST SURVIVOR BY THE HANDS OF MY DAD AND UNCLE X 2. IT’S BEEN QUITE AN EXPERIENCE, THE ROLLERCOASTER FEELINGS I’VE FELT SO FAR, (SOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER 25 YEARS) HAS BEEN SCARY AND DOWN RIGHT BONE CHILLIN’ FREIGHTNING AT TIMES BUT I REALIZE I MUST FACE THE FEAR, HURT, ANGER, BETRAYAL AVOIDANCE AND BLAME ONCE AND FOR ALL SO I MUST BE STRONG NO MATTER HOW MUCH I’M HURTING IN THE MOMENT AND BEYOND!!
I never thought I’d ever be sitting in a therapy chair/couch pouring out all my business to a stranger once a week for the next 15 weeks, after all BLACK PEOPLE DIDN’T BELIEVE IN THERAPY OUTSIDE THEIR CHURCH PASTOR WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, I wouldn’t be surprised if some still feel that way today but looking back the reasons were all about APPEARANCE, APPEARANCE, APPEARANCE. Appearance IS and ALWAYS will be important to black people to a fault because on one hand we like to keep it ONE HUNNID (that means keepin’ it real) by expressing our thoughts to anyone who’d listen no matter who feelings we hurt by said thoughts but on the other hand we HIDE AND TURN A BLIND EYE TO INCEST AND MOLESTATION HAPPENING IN OUR COMMUNITIES, HOMES, AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, “THE CHURCH” s do I as well as other men, women, and children were forced to keep quiet so that it won’t make black people LOOK BAD! It’s okay for other races to look bad but not US. We must keep up the front that we’re the victims of years of oppression by the EVIL WHITE MAN AND THE SYSTEM THEY PUT INTO PLAY TO OPPRESS US EVEN MORE and that way of thinking has caused irreparable damage to our communities for the last 50 years.
I’m a product from that behavior and I want to break the cycle of bondage over my life and talking to my therapist will help me continue to heal from it and BOY DO I HAVE A LOT TO WORK OUT, last weeks session was tougher than the previous week’s sessions because in those I’m discussing my dad’s molestation and the hurt behind that and since I’ve been sharing my story with you my followers and those who view my posts about my dad it’s been therapeutic for me and I’ve been able to face those emotions and heal from them in the process, BUT LAST WEEKS SESSION WAS ABOUT MY SEXUAL ASSAULT IN THE ARMY, something I only told 2 people about in the 30 years since it happened and believe me when I tell you, I WAS SCARED, PETRIFIED EVEN OF FACING MY FEELINGS OVER THIS INCIDENT, it’s been years since I thought about it to the point to where I almost forgot about it because I buried it deep within my dad and uncle’s crap and now my therapists wants me to sit with my eyes close and go back to the very beginning of the incident detail by detail and I was apprehensive about opening up to her about this.
I was reluctant at first, I resisted and refused to close my eyes but I relented and decided to cooperate so once my eyes were closed she took me back to the beginning of the assault, I remembered being at the hotel with my fellow soldiers, we were on a weekend pass to New York where we rented adjacent hotel rooms 4 of them total and everyone from the barracks showed up to drink and party with fellow soldiers and the native New Yorkers we met. I wasn’t drinking, I hate alcohol I was the only person there not drinking and sometime during the festivities my drill sergeant showed up, everyone spoke to him and afterwards he wanted to speak to me about platoon business and since I was the platoon leader I didn’t think anything about leaving with him to discuss business (or so what I thought was business I remember him leading me to his hotel room where I sat on the edge of the bed and as he began rubbing my shoulders in a sexual way I began feeling uncomfortable and TRAPPED but I still sat there while he began taking my clothes off in order to have sex with me, I remember GOING INTO NUMBVILLE LIKE I DID WITH MY FAMILY, I didn’t feel anything or anyone touching me at that moment but the funny thing is I don’t remember ALL THE DETAILS OF THE ASSAULT LIKE I DO MY DAD’S I ONLY REMEMBER HIM TAKING MY CLOTHES OFF BUT NOTHING AFTERWARDS UNTIL I WAS RIDING THE TRAIN BACK TO THE BARRACKS.
I began crying in front of my therapists, it’s been extremely difficult to face the hurt and pain I’ve buried deep within my heart so I cried and cried while in the middle of telling the parts I remembered and I was shaking from fear of the unknown. I hadn’t cried that hard in years, I never realized how much the assault affected me since I was still hurting from my dad’s betrayal at the time this happened, my therapists kept asking me to repeat the experience from the beginning and the more she asked the more I cried after a while I told her to STOP, LEAVE ME ALONE, I WAS DONE TALKING ABOUT IT. She refused to allow me to cave to fear so she stayed persistent with her suggestions of re hashing the assault but I could only go so far because I couldn’t remember the CRUST OF THE STORY so how can I be healed from something I vaguely remember.
The mind is tricky and complex when it comes to bad memories, they can be complicated as time passes and in my case after 30 years I’m attempting to remember this important part of my past I’m struggling to remember, after a few attempts to move past the wall in my head I gave up trying so that I wouldn’t make up something that never actually happened. I WAS ASSAULTED BY TWO SERGEANTS IN AUTHORITY OVER ME I’m not sure why I can’t remember some of the details I can only hope that with time and more sessions the memory will manifest itself so I can face it and heal, I WANT TO HEAL FROM THIS TRAUMA it’s important for me to be the best mother I can be to my daughter and I can’t do that if I’m still angry and hurt from my past.
I was glad that session was over, I’m not looking forward to the next one but I will press on and keep movin until I get set free from the past. Last weekend I attended a SONG RETREAT for women vets who were assaulted while serving, there were women who has never opened up to anyone about what happened with them, I felt weird because I’d been talking for years about my problem, these women were so COURAGEOUS TO SHARE THEIR STORIES in spite of the shame we carried and felt all these months. We were fed breakfast and lunch while paired with professional song writers to tell our stories to and make a song out of. The whole process was awesome, I’ve never seen the inner workings of song writing up close, we collaborated 50/50 to come up with a song called “LIVIN’ IN NUMBVILLE” I SANG IT, SHE ACCOMPANIED WITH GUITAR AND SOME VOCALS AND WE RECORDED ONTO A CD TO TAKE HOME IN A COUPLE WEEKS, it was fun seeing the ladies open up about their assault, we cried and laughed together, encouraging those who struggled from shame and embarrassment to keep going because eventually WE WILL BE ALRIGHT.
I WANT TO BE A GOOD WIFE FOR MY DAVID AND GOING THROUGH THERAPY IS HELPING ME BECOME A GOOD WIFE, he’s been very patient with me during all this and loving me more each day. I’m loving him more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow and can’t wait to be his wife we thank God everyday for bringing us together. I also thank God for the therapist he’s provided for me and those who choose to use their services with the gifts to help us navigate our way through our feelings to become the HAPPY HEALTHY WOMEN AND MOTHERS WE CAN BE. I will keep ya’ll posted on my progress. BE BLESSED TODAY AND ALWAYS