Preacher Kid Confessions

The true story of one woman's journey in faith

man and woman standing at seashore

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When MY DAVID knocked on my door to let me know how he felt about me I was extremely nervous until I prayed asking God to give me His peace that passes all understanding about David and once He did I began falling in love with him and the idea of the marital relationship we will have and thought “WOW I FEEL LIKE I’M ON A CLOUD OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE PEACHES AND CREAM, ROSES AND VIOLETS ALL DAY EVERYDAY”, WOW WAS I LIVING ON FANTASY ISLAND OR WHAT, THE ROAD TO MARRIAGE HAS BEEN NOTHING LIKE PEACHES AND CREAM. it’s been quite a challenge since we’ve began our relationship, I’m not naïve I’m older and wise enough to know that relationships aren’t easy so I’m not surprised by the challenges I welcome them it allows me to know whom and what I will be dealing with once we’re married.

I was living on cloud nine with a “high” I can’t explain, My David had spoken words my heart had longed to hear but never in those words did he tell me about the issues he’s dealing with in the process like selfishness, resistance of change in every area of his life, his OBSESSION with the 2 dogs, and the dysfunctional relationship he has with his family and how it has shaped him into the man he is today. OMG WHAT AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO???? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE MY DAVID but he has some serious issues that are in some ways the same as my issues because I’M DAMAGED GOODS TOO FROM PEOPLE IN MY PAST, so I’m not judging him at all but some of his issues are the direct opposite of who I am and my ways of handling life and all it’s problems.

I’m more of a laid back, who cares, oh well, let’s come up with a solution to the problem and keep on keepin’ on with living life kind of person, My David is the opposite, he stresses over the silliest of situations and circumstances, he’s so DRAMATICA AND WHINY, IT DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY BECAUSE I DESPISE WHINY PEOPLE ESPECIALLY WHINY MEN example, we brought the dogs to our city house for the weekend, mamas like to walk from room to room most of the day just because she can, on one of the laps she drooled on one of David’s slippers so when he went to put them on he YELLED LOUDLY “OH MY GOSH WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT IS THIS” while bringing his slippers to me in the kitchen, coincidentally I was startled by his outburst so I began walking to the room where he was and we met on the way with his shoes in hand pointing at this SPOT OF DOGGY DROOL THE SIZE OF A DIME on his shoe and overreacting as if the dog had vomited food on his shoe. Once I saw what all the hoopla was about I looked at him with this look in my eye that could kill if I wanted it to, and said “IS THAT IT? WITH SARCASM AND CONTEMPT IN MY VOICE AND ON MY FACE!!!

He went on and on about how gross it is and how he gets tired of cleaning up after dogs and yelled at mamas just for drooling on his shoe the size of a dime ohhh, HOW DARE SHE!!!! I went OFF ON HIM, I said “ARE YOU SERIOUS? Stop yelling at her, she’s 16 years old, don’t you EVER let me hear you yelling at her again, she’s a dog, guess what? THEY DROOL, DUHHH! He looked at me with frustration and guilt because he knew I was right and so he apologized to us both and continued his day. He gets so up tight and tense over everything little bitty situation, he’s set in his routine and won’t budge an inch without whining the entire time, EXAMPLE. his birthday he didn’t have his breakfast smoothie and pills because he failed to bring the with him each time we come to the city house for the weekends so when it was time to celebrate with our friends by going out to eat, HE BEGAN WHINING ABOUT HOW HE HASN’T HAD HIS NUTRITION BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I told him to shut up about it and let’s go eat in a tone that wasn’t becoming of a birthday celebration thinking OMG STOP WHINING UGHH with a smile on my face the whole time to hide my disgust and anger.

He resist change, he still wants to live like a bachelor expecting me to adapt to his environment and ways instead of compromising and meeting me somewhere in the middle. He resist and resist and resist to where I get frustrated and leave the room, eventually he’ll come apologize and give in once he thinks about it and realize I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG, GEEZ IF HE WOULD JUST TAKE THAT AS A GIMME AUTOMATICALLY, WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS NONSENSE EACH TIME!! LOL He then tells me he would get better but after 4 months HE HASN’T at least to my expectations, we still butt heads over combining our incomes, he bringing items to the city house to have there when he needs them, combining our bills, our individual habits, ways, etc.. he tends to think his way is the best way, his ideas are the best ideas and any others is just garbage you can keep to yourself. I let him know that he’s not the moral high ground ruler we all need to follow, his ways are not the BE ALL THAT ENDS ALL way to be, who does he think he is GOD OUR CREATOR?

He’s been driving me nuts for weeks but we’re still alive and kickin’ I’ve been trippin’ enough on my own with my issues and therapy to not have to deal with him and his issues. I don’t know if I have the patience sometimes or if I’m willing to put up with this selfishness, I know we all have a percentage of selfishness in us, I know I do especially since I’m an only child with my parents while married. I can be selfish but not to My David’s extent, I find myself praying a lot for patience in dealing with him because I need patience and understanding as well while I continue to work on myself with help from the Lord through prayer, church, bible study with our friends, and His word. He’s the only One who could help us have an awesome relationship/marriage and we will not give up on each other no matter what.

He’s made a comment or two about us splitting up but fear would stop him from following through once he takes the time to think about what he’d be losing in making such a drastic decision. Fear is a big part of recovery for addicts and alcoholics, he struggles with it daily, I’m not fearful at all and don’t understand the concept of fear but I’m willing to learn how I can help my husband to be to become less fearful, resistant, and selfish and become more contempt, at ease, and relaxed about our future. He loves me, I have no doubt about it, he’s such a wonderful man in spite of his struggles and my frustrations with him and them I LOVE HIM and I WILL BE THE HELPMEET GOD CREATED ME TO BE JUST FOR HIM (MY DAVID). Yes, the honeymoon is over and the real work is just beginning, the Lord has been training me all these years through trials and tribulations for this VERY MOMENT IN TIME and I WILL NOT GIVE UP, WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS IN OUR MARRIAGE and our LIVES.

I accept My David for who he is, it’s not my job to change him, it’s the Lord’s job and He can do it better than I can so I MUST LET HIM!! The invitations are mailed, we’re excited about our future and we thank the Lord for bringing us together, we’ll continue to work on US together and separately with help from God, THANK YOU LORD FOR THE GIFT OF LOVE, Let the words of my mouth and meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight oh Lord my strength and my redeemer Amen. BE BLESSED MY PEEPS

people wearing green and brown camouflage military suit while standing holding rifles

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That is a phrase I heard daily once I became a soldier in the United States Army, I come from a family of veterans starting with my grandfather, uncles, myself, and younger cousins whom are serving to this day. My grandfather would tell me stories of his military experiences while we would be cleaning fish or catching crawfish (I called them crawdads) in the creek wearing thigh high rain boots while standing in the middle of the water. I was so fascinated by his stories, he was in WWII stationed in Germany where he provided fuel to the Tuskegee Airman during the historic missions they flew in the war. I was honored to have a grandfather who served his country so when it was my time to graduate high school I knew I would follow in my grandfather’s footsteps and join the United States Army and serve my country too.

In the black community it was not a popular or smart idea to join THE WHITE MAN’S ARMY (that’s what the community called it) so when it’s learned that you joined you were not treated nicely for awhile but eventually it calmed down to a minimal. I didn’t care what people thought, I was always treated like an OUTSIDER in high school so the opinions of my peers meant nothing to me and I enlisted my senior year. I was so proud when I passed all the necessary requirements to join, I was determined to be the best soldier I could be and make my grandpa proud!

I arrived at the base in New Jersey with high hopes and dreams of being a good soldier, I was always the type of person to take the leadership role and to take the initiative when I see something that needed to be done, those actions caught the eye of my drill sergeant’s who decided to make me the PLATOON LEADER where I got to call cadence with my platoon as we marched everywhere we went. I was close with my drill sergeants, they were two black men I admired for their courage to serve in the military and they treated me like a little sister and very protective of me, they were like older brothers or uncles. One of them favored a younger Eddie Murphy, he was very good looking in his uniform and all the girls had a crush on him including me but I made sure to always act professional because he was my boss and I could get a dishonorable discharge for messing with a married man.

This particular day began like any other we trained, exercised, all the things to complete our day, my drill sergeant (Eddie look alike) asked me to meet him at a section of the base that was excluded I thought we were meeting to plan the next days events but when I got there he immediately threw me onto the bed and had sex with me AGAINST MY WILL, I was stunned, shocked, and angry I just FROZE IN FEAR, I COULDN’T MOVE SO I JUST LAID THERE WHILE HE VIOLATED ME, it seemed like it took hours for him to finish, I’m numb with all kinds of feelings and emotions running through me I was wandering how I was going to face him the next day and how I was going to keep this big secret to myself without my other drill sergeant finding out what happened.

I felt the same as I did when my dad molested me at 15. I felt shame, guilt, hurt, betrayal, anger, and embarrassment I couldn’t believe YET ANOTHER PERSON IN AUTHORITY OVER ME WAS HAVING SEX WITH ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT and I just had to go along with it in fear of retaliation or jail time at Ft Leavenworth. Once the assault ended, I ran to my barracks crying all the way wishing I could see my parents hoping they would come rescue me but I settled for jumping in the shower and scrubbing my body so hard I’m surprised I didn’t break the skin. I began to withdrawal within myself, avoiding alone time with my sergeant and at the same time I’m thinking “MIND OVER MATTER PRIVATE, MIND OVER MATTER, IF YOU DON’T MIND, IT DON’T MATTER! So I decided to put that experience in the back of my mind go straight into survival mode and continue my career in the army as if nothing happened.

The next time it happened we were on a weekend pass, a bunch of us pooled our monies together to rent adjoining rooms to party in, we were walking from room to room drinking and having fun when out of no where the same drill sergeant appeared walking down the balcony, we all spoke to him briefly and went about our fun. Everyone was drinking except me, so when my drill sergeant arrived he wanted to talk to me and like a FOOL I followed him downstairs to his hotel room thinking he was going to apologize for the previous assault but he didn’t, he just threw me down on his bed and assaulted me again. I thought about screaming but I changed my mind because I was fearful of what my peers would say if they found out so I KEPT QUIET AGAIN UNTIL HE FINISHED HIS BUSINESS then I left and the next thing I remember was being on the train riding back to the barracks. I showered and scrubbed my body just like I did previously, shoved it in the back of my mind and continued to live in this military life.

I’m operating in NUMBVILLE even more now and just when I thought it was over, GUESS WHAT? IT WASN’T! Once I graduated basic training I went to AIT to learn how to drive trucks I learned I was going to be stationed in Germany I was so excited because grandpa always told me stories of Germany and what it was like there for him so I was looking forward to getting away from my ASSAILANT FOREVER!! At least that’s what I thought, I wasn’t in Germany a year before my sergeant called me to the motorpool to check all vehicles for trash and to lock them up for the night, I was leaning into one of the vehicles when my sergeant came up behind me slapping my butt before he began fondling me while I tried to fight him off, it didn’t work because he quickly over powered me and sexually assaulted me. Here it is, I’ve been sexually assaulted by 2 men in authority over me just like my dad and uncle and I now must deal with the repercussions of these acts.

I became really promiscuous, I didn’t trust anyone with my heart, I treated my body like a SEALY POSTURPEDIC MATTRESS for every man who showed an interest, I never tried to get to know them on a personal level, in my mind I figured all they wanted was SEX so why waste time and energy JUST GET BUSY! So I did, looking back I’m really ashamed of my behavior I’ve asked God for forgiveness and He has forgiven me. I’m applying for disability benefits through the army from my MILITARY SEXUAL ASSAULT so I had to tell a therapists about all the trauma I’ve experienced since age 9. It was such an emotionally draining day, I cried so much as I recalled all the horrible things that’s happened to me my head was pounding I had no energy at all by the end of the session and for the rest of the day.

I felt like she understood what I was going through, she was very empathetic with me plus she was a Christian like me so she gave me biblical advice and a hug before I left her office once I got into my car, I cried some more before heading home with a SEVERE MIGRAINE HEADACHE. I don’t know how much the military will give me each month, whatever it is, it still wont be enough to make up for what happened to me, I’m torn about telling this story because of the PRIDE ASSOCIATED WITH BEING A SOLDIER, I’m proud to be a soldier in spite of my trauma it’s been apart of my identity for over 30 years and I’m proud to have served my country. I forgive my assailants, it’s mandatory that I do because Christ demands that we forgive and so I will. I’ll still be attending therapy to help cope with my PTSD, please continue to pray for me as I do for all of you my followers.  BE BLESSED ALL DAY EVERY DAY

brown liquid pouring on ice drinking glass

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This weekend was mine and My David’s first Memorial Day weekend together and coincidentally his birthday is the day before Memorial Day, I’d been planning a surprise birthday celebration with our friends for a month, I told him I was planning something SPECIAL for him because he’s never had a woman who cared enough about him to celebrate so I wanted him to promise me he would not resist, complain, whine, or question anything just GO WITH THE FLOW, and he promised.

Fast forward to this weekend, A WHOLE WEEK LATER, the day of his birth, we’re getting ready for church when he began complaining about not having his morning smoothie along with his pill supplements, (mind you, I’ve asked him to leave some of those items at our city home so he’d have them whenever he was there, BUT NOOOO he has to resist after 3 months of me offering and continues to complain. I’ve told him many, many times how much I DESPISE WHINING, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S MEN WHO ARE WHINING, so as he’s whining, I’m getting angrier by the moment. We come home from church to get ready for the birthday gathering when he began whining about the heat, the bumpy roads on the freeway, how hungry he was, the dogs need to be walked, YADA, YADA, YADA, by this time I’M BOILIN IN ANGER, I WAS SO ANGRY I STARTED CRYING JUST TO KEEP FROM GOING OFF ON HIM.

He continued to get on my RSERVE NERVE with his selfish and self centeredness dragging his feet making us late to the party being totally inconsiderate even when he sees me crying he continued to be and act selfishly until I finally had it when he asked for some eye cream, I YELLED AT HIM ” I DON’T GIVE A DERN ABOUT NO EYE CREAM, LET’S GO!!!! He exited stage right out the door and to the motorcycle where I later joined him scolding him about his selfishness and inconsiderateness before we began rolling. He’s now SMELLING HIMSELF BIG TIME because he started driving the bike like a maniac, weaving between cars on the interstate where there’s construction and debris on the roads making it extremely dangerous as I was getting angrier and angrier the closer we got to our friend’s home.

I didn’t want our friends to see me angry so I decided to put on my fake smile pretending I was fine while the insides of me are BOILING LIKE EGGS IN WATER! David continued his whiny, selfish behavior before we left for the restaurant and most of the time while eating in the restaurant so I decided to tell everyone how he’s been WORKIN’ MY RESERVE NERVE SINCE HE WOKE UP! Of course they laughed at us, I was laughing too just to keep the mood light knowing full well I was going to LAY INTO HIM WHEN WE GOT HOME. He apologized to me in front of our friends for his behavior, we kissed and made up continuing to enjoy the day. After eating we got back on the bike and road to the country to look at houses for David and I.

We found a house for sale sitting on 20 acres of land, 2 bedrooms 1 1/2 baths, one story, big kitchen, dining rooms, closet space, everything a couple would need. A creek separated this house and the neighbor’s home, a two-car garage, and shed. The owners want $280,000 for it but I’m not sure I want that because My David wants to build me a house on our own lot we plan on buying. We’ve been looking in the country for land to purchase so he can build my dream home he’s been promising me since we began to date and fell in love. We rode back to our friends for ice cream and cake and opening the gifts, I got him a motorcycle cover he was surprised and happy and afterwards we began preparing to ride the bike home when he once again GOT ALL INTO HIS FEELINGS AND SMELLIN’ HIS BUTT by being indecisive about the route we’re taking home, AND SINCE HE WAS MAD AND IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM, HE WAS DRIVING BETWEEN 70-80 MPH ON THE FREEWAY!! I was scared to death and yelled at him to slow down but he didn’t listen so I began digging my fingernails into his side until we got home.

Once he shut the bike down I jumped off it and told him off for putting my life in danger and not caring a bit about me or my daughter. I expressed how he RUINED MY EFFORT IN PLANNING THIS PARTY AND THE MONIES I SPENT GIVING HIM THE BEST PARTY  HE’S EVER HAD SO THANK YOU VERY MUCH I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR SELFISH AND SELF CENTEREDNESS, never mind the effort and monies I spent on OUR grandson’s birthday the day prior, NOOOO IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM! I actually renamed him ALL ABOUT HIM just for yesterday. He tried to speak, I wouldn’t allow him because I’d had enough of the WHINING, ME, ME, ME, crap he was giving me all day so he politely and quietly sat there and listened to me TELL HIM ABOUT HIMSELF. Once I finished I decided to not talk to him for the rest of the evening HE HATED THAT, HE DOESN’T LIKE MY SILENT TREATMENT and I didn’t care at that point I WAS DONE WITH HIM FOR THE DAY!

I slept okay but not great, I don’t like going to bed angry, the bible says, ” Be angry, and sin not, don’t let the sun go down upon your wrath” and I was scared I’d die before I could make up with MY DAVID. He was gone when I woke up, he texted me a long message thanking me for my effort, saying it was the best birthday he’s ever had, and he’s sorry for being selfish. He prayed to God to help him get rid of his selfish behavior and he doesn’t know why I love him. I was happy and relieved he apologized and I explained how many excellent qualities and potential he has and I’m not sure why he loves me but I thank him anyway. I have forgiven him, forgiveness is important for a Christian because Jesus asked us to forgive our brother 70 x 7 when they mistreat us and I refuse to be disobedient to Him causing our marriage to be cursed from the beginning.

Besides, I’m far from perfect and he loves me anyway so it’s easy for me to forgive him when he hurts me. I know it’s not intentional, he’s a really good man, he’s a recovered alcoholic/cocaine addict who’s been sober and recovered for 18 1/2 years, he sponsors many guys at the jail and ones from the different meetings bi-weekly. He also sponsors a man every Sunday after church, WE attend meetings together weekly and we attend bible studies at our friend’s home every Saturday, he’s really making an effort to grow in the Lord so that he can be the kingdom man the Lord wants him to be. I know he loves me with all his heart and I love him the same way, we will be together forever because the Lord brought us together and HE SAYS ” WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER, LET NO MAN PUT ASSUNDER” I refuse to divorce so I’m learning to forgive and to control my temper so I won’t push him away!

His sister owns rental properties, she wants David and I to move in to one of her homes but it’s not very accommodating to the dogs so we’re looking for something else. Please pray for us my peeps that the Lord show us FAVOR IN THE HOUSING MARKET getting our home until we build. I just spoke and prayed for my David before he lays down for the night, we pray together every night, and I read the bible to him in bed, NO WE’RE STILL NOT HAVING SEX AND WE SLEEP IN ALL CLOTHING TO BE SAFE FROM TEMPTATION.  We’re determined not to disappoint God, thank you Lord for my daughter, my mama, and MY DAVID, we love you Lord, YES MY DAVID WAS TRIPPIN HARD “ON ICE YESTERDAY” but I love him and will continue to pray for my husband to be. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight oh Lord my strength and my redeemer. BE BLESSED MY PEEPS ALL DAY EVERY DAY I LOVE YA’LL AND THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YA’LL CAN DO ABOUT IT!!

grayscale photography of child in spaghetti strap top

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I HAVE A FEW PET PEEVES, LIARS, THIEVES, PROCRASTINATORS, STUPIDITY, AND WHINNY ADULTS!!! Of the five, the last one WHINNY ADULTS tops the lists today, oh my goodness I am sick and tired of this whining that’s going across racial lines, men, women, boys, and girls. As a black person I’M EMBARRASSED AT ALL THE WHINING MY PEOPLE ARE DOING NOWADAYS OVER THE SMALLEST OF THINGS. I know racism exist these days, I think blacks have become as racists as we claim white people had been in the past. I’ve been hearing negative stuff about white people since I was a kid, it’s the same stuff we hear today. We are the most HYPOCRITICAL RACE IN AMERICA, it’s okay for us to call white people every name in the book for example, honky, cracker, red neck, trailer trash. poor white trash wet dog smellin’ etc.. I’ve heard them all growing up and I’m still hearing them 40 years later WOW HOW STUPID ARE WE??? and yet let a white person BEGIN TO FORM THEIR MOUTH TO SAY THE N-WORD, MONKEY, OR APE AND WE’RE READY TO HANG THEM ON THE CROSS NEXT TO JESUS!! HOW HYPOCRITICAL IS THAT?

I’M TIRED OF PEOPLE HAVING TO APOLOGIZE FOR STUPID THINGS THEY SAY WHEN THEY’RE YOUNG, the way the adults jumped on the Heisman trophy winner over something he said when he was YOUNG AND DUMB LIKE WE’VE ALL BEEN WHEN WE WERE HIS AGE WAS RIDICULOUS AND INSULTING,  instead of he basking in his moment, here comes some whinny wimp who decides to steal his shine forcing him to  apologized for his comments, WHY??? WHAT HAPPENED TO FREEDOM OF SPEECH IN THE USA? ARE WE STILL LIVIN IN THE USA?

PEOPLE ARE SO THINNED SKINNED NOWADAYS, how did we get here? When did everyone get so SOFT? It’s as if the roles between men and women have switched, MEN HAVE BEEN DEMASCULINIZED IN THE LAST 10 YEARS, WOMEN HAVE BEEN MASCULINIZED IN THE EXACT SAME TIME FRAME, how did it happen? Celebrities, athletes, musician, news opinion people (journalism is now opinionism) all these people had the nerve to think that just because they’re famous they are the smartest people in the world ABOUT EVERYTHING AND NOTHING!

People are whining about the President, although I don’t agree with everything he says, I agree with his right to say it. Why is is that people can call him and all CHRISTIAN, CONSERVATIVE, TEA PARTY REPUBLICANS every insulting name in the book AND GET AWAY WITH IT? MY PERSONAL FAVORITE INSULT WAS WHEN THEY REFERRED TO US BLACK TEA PARTY MEMBERS AS RACIST REDNECK TEABAGGERS WITH STROCKHOLM SYNDROME. I laugh every time I hear that statement, I’m a tea party member, I have been since 2008 and seeing that I’m black I’ve been accused by other blacks of being a SELLOUT many, many times and so I laugh at them while standing my ground watching them lose their minds over the fact that a black person isn’t falling for or caving to their CRAP!

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT WHITE PRIVILEGE IS??? Whenever I ask any black person that question, the only explanation I get from them is when the police pull you over racially profiling them or harassing them driving while black. That doesn’t sound like white privilege, that sounds like racism. The oxford dictionaries definition of privilege; A special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group. The police don’t have the right to be racist but that doesn’t mean they won’t be racist towards anyone so comparing the two is Ludacris.

IF ANYONE HAS WHITE PRIVILEGE IT’S ALL THE WHITE AND BLACK CELEBRITIES, ACTORS, ATHLETES, WHO HAS RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES WE REGULAR PEOPLE DON’T. Let’s keep it real, look at how many celebs get away with crimes regular people get sentenced to life in prison for? Their children attend the wealthiest most PRIVILEGED PRIVATE (NOT PUBLIC) SCHOOLS BY LIMO OR NANNY. Airplanes, gated mansions, security guards, personal assistants, etc.. how many white people do you know personally who has THAT MUCH WHITE PRIVILEGE? I know of NONE, I only hang out with white people and they all struggle to pay bills, raise kids, pay taxes, how and where is their PRIVILEGE?

My in-laws are white, THEY’RE FAR FROM PRIVILEGE, my sister-in-law just lost her husband, she’s not sure what she’s gonna do next, her income will drop in half now that he’s gone. DOES THIS SEEM LIKE WHITE PRIVILEGE TO YOU? I’m not saying that there’s no privilege, I just think it’s a ridiculous statement considering all the millionaire celebs, actors, athletes of different races and ethnicities there are even black billionaires (jay-z oprah, tyler perry, beyonce, ALL BLACK, ALL RICH, ALL PRIVILEGED and yet they among others are the main ones calling all white men racist white privilege, GO FIGURE.

It’s HYPOCRITICAL TO ME, THE ONES WITH MONEY AND PRIVILEGE ARE THE ONES COMPLAINING ABOUT THE UNFAIRNESS OF WHITE PRIVILEGE, they’re talking out the side of their neck as far as I’m concerned. I’m tired of the whining, I’m tired of the anger, I’m tired of the complaining, PEOPLE CAN’T TAKE NOTHING NOW, I’ve never seen Americans act like such babies because someone HURT THEIR FEELINGS OR SAID SOMETHING THEY DIDN’T LIKE, BOO HOO HOO, WAH WAH WAH LIKE A BABY are Americans adults or babies?

STOP IT BLACK PEOPLE, STOP THE WHINING, we hurt each other daily never caring about what’s right and fair, if these celebs cared about privilege that much, WHY DON’T THEY GIVE IT ALL AWAY AND MOVE BACK INTO THE HOOD!! I doubt they will do that, they’ll keep PLAYIN THE HYPOCRIT VICTIM and telling ya’ll to feel the same way. I HAVE BEEN VICTIMIZED IN THE PAST BUT I’M NOT A VICTIM, black people have mastered the VICTIMIZATION ROLE TO A SCIENCE, they’ve had plenty practice since the end of slavery, all I heard growing up is how evil white people are. I’ve never been mistreated by them (excluding the courts, and my ex) they’ve always treated me like family from the beginning, as a person who’s been labeled all her life I hate labels, I hate stupidity, STOP THE WHINING IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD.



woman and child sitting on sand near body of water

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I was planning a trip home this coming weekend to take My David  to meet my mother for the first time, we’ve been discussing this for weeks, David was gonna fix all household repairs she has and we’re going to buy her an air conditioning unit because the one she has been broken for years along with the garage door. These items are NOT CHEAP TO FIX AND WE ARE COVERING THE COSTS OF REPAIRS AND THE EQUIPMENT so you’d think a person would be appreciative of the selfless act a stranger is willing to perform for them BUT NOOOO NOT MY MAMA!

My David and I have 2 pit bulls, they’re 16 and 13 years old respectively female/male, sweet as they can be, David is very protective of these dogs, at times he treats them BETTER THAN ME (NO, I’M SERIOUS), perfect example, it was a cold winter, we spent nights in the 5th wheel (mobile home) just to get use to cohabitating with each other and the dogs, and NO WE STILL HAVE NOT HAD SEX!!! WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT NOT DISAPPOINTING THE LORD BY FORNICATING, anyways, it would get really cold on the bedroom end of the trailer so I was forced to sleep in clothes, coats, socks, leggings, gloves, and scarf, BUT THE DOGS GOT TO SLEEP WITH THE FLOOR HEATER, THEY WERE NICE AND TOASTY WHILE I FROZE TO DEATH!! It got so cold to where I had to yell at David to bring the heater in our room, and that it doesn’t make sense that” I’M FREEZING BUT THE DOGS GET THE HEATER ALL NIGHT, GO GET THAT HEATER NO I’M NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE.” He ran with a quickness and bought the heater to me. HE BETTER HAD OR I WAS REALLY GONNA GO OFF AND HE KNEW IT!! (YES WE PK’S DO GO OFF ON PEOPLE, ACTUALLY I GO OFF QUITE OFTEN ON STUPIDITY AND SELFISHNESS!!

We were bringing the dogs with us to visit mama, in hindsight I should’ve mentioned it to her sooner but I didn’t think she’d mind since David was coming to do favors for her FOR FREE BECAUSE OF ME so when I told her the dogs were coming she went OFF ABOUT HOW SHE DOESN’T WANT PETS NO WHERE NEAR HER HOUSE, I suggested they sleep in the garage and she wasn’t having any of that either and decided to lecture me about being inconsiderate of others, (IS THAT NOT THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK OR WHAT?) She’s being selfish and inconsiderate in my opinion, I get that she’s not a pet in the house type of person but I’m your daughter who’s driving 5 plus hours to visit you and do work for you on top of it, IF IT WAS YA’LL WOULDN’T YA’LL HAD MADE AN EXCEPTION IN THIS CASE?

I COULD NOT BELIEVE HER, I WAS SO MAD I CRIED REALLY HARD FOR 15 MINUTES, stunned that she would act like this, I was just beginning to trust her again from our incident from Christmas when she acted the same way, and David has sent her monies out of the blue, JUST BECAUSE HE LOVES ME and that’s still not good enough for her to make an exception for the dogs. I ended up cancelling our trip because I feel that THE DOGS ARE APART OF MY LIFE NOW, IF THEY’RE NOT WELCOMED IN HER HOME THEN NEITHER AM I OR DAVID. I hate that we have to go through this again but hey it is what it is, David is my family now, my mama has always put her men ahead of me over the years, she didn’t care whether I liked any of them, she even married one of them who ended up beating her up almost killing her last year and even with that I supported her emotionally and financially as much as I could now fast forward to today, she can’t seem to return the gesture.

I don’t necessarily like dogs in my home either but they’re a packaged deal with David, he loves those dogs and I love him so I’m willing to compromise with him he’s my husband to be just as my daughter is apart of me and he has welcomed her into his life with open arms and wallet! I realized the importance of compromise and flexibility in marriage and relationships we’ve been working on these issues from DAY ONE I WILL NOT LET ANY OUTSIDE ENTITY COME BETWEEN US, including family. Genesis 2:24 states “Therefore a man must leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall become one flesh. My mom will always be my family but David is now my priority, the Lord has made me his HELP MEET (Genesis 2:18), I must fulfill my help meet role to the glory of God and the benefit of my marriage. I’m praying for my mom and for our relationship, we’ve been close these last few years, even closer than when I was younger, it’s important for me spiritually to not hold grudges or anger towards anyone, especially my mom. I love her too and she needs me now that she’s alone AGAIN.

Let me know what ya’ll think, have a blessed holiday weekend, David and I will celebrate his birthday in style. LET THE WORDS OF MY MOUTH AND MEDITATION OF MY HEART BE ACCEPTABLE IN THY SIGHT OH LORD MY STRENGTH AND MY REDEEMER. AMEN

adorable baby basket child

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My daughter looked just like this baby once she got out of the hospital it reminds me of the reasons I chose not to abort her. The first of many reasons is in the book of Exodus 20:13 says” thou shalt not kill.” We cannot kill someone out of anger, malice or CONVENIENCE, because God’s looking at the heart of the offender at that time, so when someone is killed from self defense, God doesn’t see malice in that situation and you’re forgiven immediately. If you murder someone with malice you can be forgiven too but YOU MUST ASK FOR THE FORGIVENESS from God and He will forgive you from that point forward.

Proverbs 6:16 states “These six things the Lord hates, Yes seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, A lying tongue, HANDS THAT SHED INNOCENT BLOOD (abortion, human sacrifice are examples of this verse), A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.” As a Christian I couldn’t play God and take a life He blessed me with, women are aborting their children out of SELFISHNESS (IT’S ALL ABOUT ME AND MY BODY, AND GOALS IN LIFE I PLAN TO ACCHIEVE) and CONVENIENCE (OH IT’S NOT THE RIGHT TIME FOR ME TO BE TIED DOWN WITH A KID, I’M YOUNG, I GOT GOALS IN LIFE) these are the types of statements the girls I knew had before their abortions and just as it did back then and in today’s times, it’s an EXCUSE and MURDER IN GOD’S EYES and there is no way I would kill my baby no matter what the circumstance.

When my father was molesting me at the age of 15, I was scared of becoming pregnant with my own CHILD/SIBLING during every encounter because he never used protection while having FULL BLOWN SEX with me, the thought of aborting my baby came to mind once during the very first encounter but I quickly dismissed it and never allowed it to appear again, looking back I know deep in my heart that the Lord closed up my womb so that I wouldn’t get pregnant and I THANK GOD HE DID!! I was a preemie just like my daughter, I almost died and remained in the hospital for a couple months before I was released. My daughter was in the hospital for 5 months before she went home and from the day I was born my mother told me that God has a purpose for me, a plan for my life that only I can fulfill as He orders my steps on a predestined path known to He and He alone.

It meant so much to me to know God thinks of me in such an amazing way that I consider it an honor to live this life (the good and bad of it) in order to accomplish the mission He has for me so WHO AM I TO PREVENT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING FROM LIVING FOR GOD just as I chose to? Once my daughter was born and I saw how hard she fought to survive all the illnesses attacking her 1 lb 8 oz body, I knew I made the right choice to keep her in spite of the current circumstances,( by this time her father had left me high and dry mid pregnancy). She was a baby but knew instinctively to FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT to stay alive and I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I hadn’t placed scripture around her entire bed, she wouldn’t have been healed by the blood of Jesus Christ. John 1:1 says “In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. Jesus Christ represents the word, John 1:14 says “And the Word (capital letter represents majesty and honor in God’s kingdom) became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.

I can’t imagine how I’d feel missing my child’s first footsteps,  she speaking her first word, changing diapers, potty training, homework, etc. I can’t imagine not holding her when she cries, nursing her boo boos when she falls, buying cute little girl outfits on a whim, combing her hair, tucking her in at night and watching her sleep, these are the most precious moments we’ve had over the years and we continue to have them today. We go shopping, wear each other’s clothes, do each other’s hair, go to lunch, dance to old school hip hop I got her listening to since she was a baby (she loves lil Jon), and I really look forward to our conversations, she has no problems telling me anything, I made sure we establish that kind of relationship from the beginning.

She doesn’t tell me EVERYTHING, and then again I don’t expect her to, she’s comfortable with telling mama certain things than she is me and I’m totally okay with that because I was the same with her sisters growing up. My daughter and I are CLOSE in spite of her father’s attempts to divide us, I’m so proud of our relationship and the young lady she’s becoming. I CAN’T IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT HER and because of that there is no way I would abort her and miss all this. I pray for those who’ve had an abortion, I have no idea what it feels like, it couldn’t have been an easy decision for them to make, I just hate the long term mental repercussions they must experience after the fact. There is now a link to abortion and women getting breast cancer, a study came out in 2014 from Harvard linking women who had abortions to having contracted breast cancer in some instances, never mind the nightmares that will occur from the memories of the procedure, from what my friends said they think of their baby quite often over the years.

God has forgiven all those who have abortions just as He does any other sins we commit, I thank Him for my forgiveness, have ya’ll thanked Him lately yourselves? Thank you Lord for blessing me with my daughter and although I had her out of wedlock I know you can turn any bad situation around for MY GOOD so I pray we women seek your face concerning Your will for our lives and realize we are fearfully and wonderfully made in Your image, LIFE BEGINS AT CONCEPTION, and Jesus loves us all in spite of our mistakes. Let us learn to value life the way You do, in Jesus name I pray, Amen

THESE ARE THE REASONS I CHOSE NOT TO ABORT MY CHILD, thank you Lord for the courage to keep my baby. Be blessed my peeps all day every day

pregnant woman

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I was working at this warehouse where adults with mental disabilities were being trained to work and live in society on their own, I was a supervisor, I had my own crew, they were adults with Down Syndrome and I supervised as they assembled dental floss tools to be sold in stores. I met my child’s father here. he was a forklift driver who looked exactly like one of my favorite actors Sam Elliott, I was attracted to him from the moment I saw him it was LUST AT FIRST SIGHT AND I WANTED HIM BADLY. I remember approaching him with this line “did anyone ever tell you you look like Sam Elliott?) He said” yes, all the time” I smiled at him and it was on and poppin’ from that point on. We hung out at work as much as we could, talking as friends, flirting here and there, but mainly platonic friendship.

I’m still livin’ in numbville, making choices based off of hurts from the past, displaying the same behaviors from MAN TO MAN, not choosing to take things slow by getting to know them and their goals in life, NOOOO I HAD TO JUMP STRAIGHT INTO BED with them  DAY ONE, MINUTE ONE, SECOND ONE, ALL OF THE ABOVE. My identity was wrapped up in sex and men, then wander why they never wanted to get to know me personally. I SET THE TONE BY BEING A THIRSTY, DEHYDRATED, THOT!!

It was the weekend after the 4th of July, my child’s father and I planned on hooking up at a hotel in Upland Ca, it was our very first time having sex since we met, I rode the metrolink train and a bus to meet him, once I entered the room we went straight to the bed and began having sex, it was an amazing experience, he made me feel like a woman for the first time in my life it lasted for hours and once we finished he told me I was pregnant. I laughed at first but he assured me I was pregnant so once the weekend was over we went back to our daily lives as if nothin ever happened. I never thought about his statement again I came on my menstrual cycle the following month, BUT the second month I didn’t have a cycle so I thought about what he’d said, took a home pregnancy test and found out I was PREGNANT.

AT THAT MOMENT I HAD ALL THE FEELINGS YOU CAN IMAGINE BUBBLIN’ ON THE INSIDE but I wasn’t scared, I’d been babysitting my younger cousins since I was 9 so I was use to being around babies. My child’s father said he’d take care of us and THAT HE DID. He greeted me daily with a hug and belly rub to his daughter, then he set it up in the cafeteria for me to eat whatever I wanted and put it on his tab. I didn’t want for anything he was truly awesome. I had a terrible pregnancy, migraine headaches ALL DAY, EVERYDAY which created nauseum you couldn’t imagine on top of morning sickness. I  walked everyday, drank plenty water, and craved Burger King fish sandwiches and fried pork chops. I couldn’t keep anything else down. The migraines made me dizzy even on rainy days and since I was in my first trimester I couldn’t take medicine it would hurt the baby so I had to SUFFER WITH PAIN ABOVE BOTH EYES ALL DAY!!

I carried my daughter for 5 n half months before going into labor the last week of the 5th month, I was having contractions at work but didn’t know it, I was only 5 months along. Once I got home I took a nap and woke up bleeding in bathroom. My best friend called the ambulance who took me to the hospital determining I was 4cm dilated and needing to be on bed rest for the rest of my term. I was given magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions but it didn’t help I still felt every dang one of those things so now I’m laid up in the bed not able to eat, drink, or sleep for 5 WHOLE DAYS, I was in labor for 5 days ladies, YES 1,2,3,4,5 DAYS 24 HOURS A DAY LABOR PAINS, it was horrible I was so ready for her to come and finally she did on the 2nd day of the week at 2:21pm at 1lb 8oz 21 inches long. (God always blesses me in 2’s He always has even to this day)

She was born at the beginning of her 6th month at 24 weeks a small but healthy baby girl at first she seemed okay for a few days but then she began swelling and turning orange in color. She looked like an orange humpty dumpty with wires and hoses dangling everywhere. I was SCARED TO DEATH AND ALL ALONE, BY THIS TIME HER FATHER HAD LEFT US AND GONE BACK TO HIS EX WHO’S NOW HIS WIFE AND HER KIDS. all the promises he made to us he broke, leaving me to deal with our daughter’s sickness mainly ALONE. She had a staph infection, yellow jaundice, cardiac thrombus, liver failure, and blindness in one eye. I was signing so many forms daily I couldn’t keep up, her pediatrician was the best, she really kept me informed on everything they were doing to my child, she had a condition only doctors in Germany knew how to treat so with consults from doctors all over the world they came up with a cure for her ailments.

It was tough looking at her suffer through all those months, having countless surgeries, lab work, tests and x rays, moving her from room to room. I felt alone and helpless I wanted to trade places with her many days, I didn’t know how much longer I could take seeing her in pain and not being able to help, all I could do was communicate with her through the incubator holes with my hands. We held hands all the time and still do to this day. My daughter fought hard to survive, her organs were extremely under developed, she could fit in my hand from being so small, she had a total blood transfusion, eye surgery, catheter placed in her neck, head was shaven bald because they ran out of veins to draw blood from so they were placed on her scalp. I will never forget her facial expression during this entire time, she reminded me of my mother, there was so much pain shown in each breath she took I don’t know how she was able to fight so hard to LIVE.

Abortion is a hot topic these days, I’ve known many women who aborted their babies I never judged them one way or the other, it wasn’t my place to say anything or at least that’s how I felt at the time. I know for ME, abortion was never an option, I never even considered it, I come from a big family, there’s over 200 of us from grandparents on down to 3rd cousins so abortion was never gonna be an option for me plus I was ready for a child by this time, I was in the process of adopting an unwanted child but the mother changed her mind at the last minute and the rest as they say is HERSTORY (Get it ?) HISTORY/HERSTORY! The Lord knew my heart was ready for a child so He blessed me with one a few months later. After seeing how hard she fought to survive her first 5 months of life makes me extremely proud of her as the perfectly healthy teenager she’s become today. She never cease to amaze me as she’s working now and helping around the house, when she sleeps I sometimes watch her thinking back to all those years ago when she was close to death and God healed her.

I placed bible scriptures around her the entire time, I prayed for the Lord to heal her and He did, so I could never abort my child, she’s apart of me and although you may get rid of the child, you’ll never forget the child and you will feel guilty once you decide to have more children down the road. God doesn’t want us to abort our children, I can’t imagine my life without my daughter, she has bought me so much joy and purpose in life and I love her with all my being, Those of you who’ve had abortions know that Jesus loves you no matter what, He will forgive you if you ask Him and know that if you trust Him as your personal Lord and Savior you can be forgiven and saved by His grace so that you can see your baby again in heaven with Him. I pray for all those involved in the abortion process, I love them all with the love of Christ and I pray we as WOMEN LEARN OUR VALUE AND WORTH IN GOD’S EYES SO THAT WE CAN SEE THE VALUE IN THE LIVES OF OTHER’S ESPECIALLY THE BABIES!!

I thank you God for healing my daughter, I look forward to watching her grow into the amazing woman of God you blessed her to be, I pray you continue to guide my footsteps in all my works concerning her, my David and my life. This is why I chose not to abort my child and I’M GLAD I STUCK TO MY GUNS!! Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, oh Lord my strength and my redeemer. Pray for me as I’ll pray for all of you my followers BE BLESSED ALL DAY EVERY DAY